Advice From James

Daddy Issues

2007-11-04T14:21:00.000-08:00

"Dear James,

I find that no matter what I do I am always a dissapointment to my father. His comments and manner always seems to make me feel inadequate, like I could have done better or more. I can't stand it any longer! Is there anything I can do?

Thanks,
Inadequate in Illinois"

Dear Inadequate,

As with most social problems, inadequacy can easily be combated with a capitalistic approach. Our society evolved to encourage resource expenditure for every conceivable social ill, and feelings of inadequacy are in fact the premiere example of this phenomenon. In fact, it is the exploitation of inadequacy that pioneered the modern day marketing strategies.

So what am I suggesting, precisely? I’m telling you to go out and buy stuff. Getting new toys to play with, new cloths to attract, and new status symbols to flaunt doesn’t just alleviate sadness, it can also build up other’s opinion of you. This will not only make you feel good about yourself, but eventually you may actually garner more respect from society than your father. Then you can begin the satisfying process of making him feel inadequate.

But what happens if you don’t base all of your opinions of human worth on material possessions? The answer is that you need to start now. Obviously you’re not living up to your current values, probably because of their abstract nature. If you value being a good person, how exactly do you measure how good you are? Is there a system of points? How much is sending grandma a get-well card worth in comparison to returning an old man’s wallet? Without any guidelines to judge such things you end up basing them off your current emotional state, which will create a never-ending cycle of despair and self-loathing. Of course if you’re the sort of person that’s into that, and I know that it’s a “lifestyle choice” which is growing in popularity, then go for it. Since you’ve written me about it as if inadequacy were a problem, however, I’m assuming you’ve decided to go for mainstream happiness (usually measured in Kilo-Kittens). For that you need to have some measurable success, and what could be easier to measure than the dollar value of your lifestyle? Just look at your monthly bank statement. As long as it remains at or close to 0 then you must be as happy as your income allows you to be. If that’s not happy enough for you, consider borrowing money from your father. This works the dual purpose of restricting his access to wealth while increasing yours, making you comparatively a better person than him. Make sure to throw this in his face no less than a few weeks before you borrow money from him next and your feelings of inadequacy are bound to be replaced by a sense of smug superiority in no time.

Best of luck,
James

Indecision about Pregnancy

2007-10-30T19:26:00.001-07:00

"Dear James,

My husband and I have been married for a number of years, and of late he's begun to talk about having children. The thing is, I'm not really sure I'm ready for a child. How can I handle this decision? How can I handle my husband?

Thanks,
Lost in Los Angeles"

The easiest way to make a decision between two things is generally by flipping a coin. This can be a particularly good idea if you’re prone to making bad decisions, as it’ll raise your odds to 50%, a sizable improvement for many people. That said, some people in your position would have a problem explaining to any future children what a controlled accident is.
Still, while the coin flip may help you avoid the stress and worry of a decision, when others are involved you still have to devise a method of getting your way. Because making major decisions like this are often important to others in your life (say, a husband for instance) stating a position openly can lead to conflict, and conflict can lead to discomfort should be avoided at all costs (to others) you need to find a means to get your way without others becoming aware of it. For this most choose to delve into the wonderfully safe world of passive aggression. The premise of this strategy is that the best way to win an argument is to keep your opponent oblivious to it. As long as your husband isn’t aware that you’ve made a decision counter to what he wants then he won’t try to change your mind, something that is frequently unpleasant. One way you can consider keeping your decision against having children on the lowdown is to fake your own infertility. For added power within your relationship you may even try to blame your husband for “his” failure to impregnate you. Fortunately you’re female, and most forms of birth control were designed by men for men’s convenience. As a symptom of this phenomena most birth control can be used almost invisibly to the male partner. Can you imagine being male and trying to slip on a condom without your partner’s notice*?
Bare in mind that several problems can arise from using this technique for too long. Your spouse might start to get suspicious, or he may simply want to start seeing a fertility consultant. Either of these could start to put a lot of pressure on you and entirely defeat the purpose of your passive aggression. At this point you’re probably going to want to cave entirely to his desires without ever having mentioned your hesitance. While this seems like quite a commitment, potentially creating a mistake that will haunt you for the rest of your life, at least you’ll never suffer the discomfort of having an occasionally reoccurring argument.

Best of Luck with your new child,
James

*Some scholar’s believe that the bondage fetish actually started from a particularly clever male infantaphobe.

As a reminder, please remember that my advice is open to the public and anyone wishing help on their personal matters to be published to an internationally read forum should email me at advicefromjames@hotmail.com.

Dating and Dollars

2007-10-16T19:48:00.000-07:00

"Dear James,

I have a great job that I love, and it has great benefits. Perhaps not official benefits, I suppose, but the office supply security is pretty lax. Anyhow, the problem is that I just started dating this really great girl. Well, maybe not great, but certainly very pretty. My job doesn't really pay me much though, and I'm not sure if I can afford to keep her interested. What can I do?

Thanks or somethin',
Jersey Jim"

Dear Jersey Jim,

Most guys, myself included, have run into this very same dilemma. Now for some of us, we’re not actually too poor to afford our girlfriends, we’re just generally cheap. The theory, however, remains the same. You need the services of a dating financial advisor. These professionals can help you get the most date-related bang for your buck in a wide variety of scenarios ranging from blind dates to 10-year anniversaries. My own dating finance expert, Mr. William Taft, gave me a number of money saving tips that I will now illegally pass on to you. First, remember that many clothing lines considered fashionable are actively trying to emulate second-hand apparel or out of date trends. You can cut out an expensive middleman by just shopping directly at second hand stores. Seems so obvious, doesn’t it? Well there is one tiny hang up. Most of the status of wearing a certain type of clothing these days comes from the label, so you’ll need to find some way of duplicating that label onto your old clothing. The easiest way to do this is to go to expensive clothing shops with a pair of scissors and start stealing the labels specifically. Most store security systems are ill prepared to defend against this tactic, but just in case you do get caught remember to always go in with a partner you can use as a scapegoat or distraction. It helps if said partner is a racial minority, but if that’s not doable just get anyone that looks poor.

Second, remember that ebay is a great place to get deals on stuff you don’t actually want. The problem one usually runs into with auction sites is that if you’re looking for something specific, then others probably are too. What’s more, they might have the audacity to offer a reasonable price. If, however, you’re purchasing something for someone else you can base your search almost entirely off of pricing parameters. The ability to look for good deals independent of any actual desire for the product puts you, the consumer, in control. This way you can afford to give your date gifts that appear far more expensive than they actually are. And if it’s not something she’d actually want, don’t sweat it. You’re a guy; just play up how clueless you are at every opportunity and you should be fine.

Finally, a good financial planner will remind you to be constantly on the look out for cheap ways to raise your social status. Buy a sleek looking second-hand cell phone. Don’t get service for it; you don’t need to actually be able to call people to cash in for the social status. Just pull it out to periodically check your messages. You’ll never have any, of course, but she doesn’t have to know that. The other advantage of a cell phone without a service plan is that you’ll never have it go off in movie theatres, the car, or on the toilet. This added convenience is easily worth not being able to send or receive calls. More importantly than a cell phone, see if you can’t get blackmail material on someone with a nicer car. Some good leverage should be enough to wrangle it out of ‘em for the occasional date and may even save you money in the long run when you suffer your first quarter/mid/two-fifths life crisis.

All of this should get you off to a great start, but to maintain the subtle deception and dollar squeezing ballet that is dating above your means I strongly suggest a professional. Tell him James sent you.

I get discounts that way.

Best of luck,
James

*This column sponsored by William Taft Dating Financial Services, where our service is as great as our girth!

Family squabbles

2007-10-08T22:13:00.000-07:00

"Dear James,

My husband and mother in law do not get along. They've been feuding ever since she used my husband's tie to wipe the drool off my cousin's chin while he was wearing it. My cousin's actually still pretty miffed about that too. I have, however, finally gotten him to promise to stop leaving burning bags of excrement on her porch, though she hasn't returned the favor quite yet. Ultimately, though the problem is that my mother is getting to old to care for herself and I've invited her to come live with us. Is there any way I can keep them from fighting constantly after she moves in? Also, how do I tell my husband that his mother in law will be living with us sometime next week?

Thanks,
Shell shocked Shelley"

Dear Shell shocked,

What you describe sounds much more like displays of dominance than outright hatred. Usually hatred will result in much more complicated behavior involving a combination of snarkiness, gossip, targeted ideological ranting, avoidance and even the occasional letter writing campaign. It appears that your husband and mother's sole response to each other is some variety of direct conflict. Unfortunately this type of conflict will be far more disruptive to your life than the passive aggressive bellyaching that occurs with purer variants of hatred. In fact, the pranks are actually the least of your worries. Eventually one or the other of the two is going to back down from the continuous pranking, potentially leaving the remaining contender for dominance with the impression that they have become the alpha in the family, a process that will significantly undermine the authority you may well have grown used to. You could find your TV preferences being deprioritized, or that clothing has become optional for the new head of the household. If you think it'll be bad having to watch your husband walk around with no pants all the time, just imagine what could happen if your mother wins.

Fortunately you're in a wonderful position to demonstrate dominance over both of them. By making a life altering decision for your husband without consulting him you've set yourself up to display ownership over him in general, and that his access to peace and quiet will be according to your whims alone. Now you just need to drive home the point properly. When you tell him about your mother make sure you to maintain a dominant stance. Keep your chest out and display good posture as you look him directly in the eyes, adopting a stern tone. Bring a rolled up newspaper or squirt bottle to emphasize your points, or more realistically, de-emphasize his. Likewise, use the same technique to remind your mother that sleeping indoors is a privilege. When either steps out of line make sure to punish them consistently. Even after they start to behave, make sure to remind them of your dominance from time to time with arbitrary demands. Finally, to keep them from teeming up on you make sure to let each know in private that they are your true favorite and you have to act the way you do because of how unreasonable the other is. Keep up these techniques and you'll be well on your way to becoming the undisputed tyrant of your household.

Best of luck,
James

Diary Despair

2007-10-02T22:19:00.000-07:00

"Dear James,

I have an online diary which I write in frequently while I'm sad or angry. Sometimes my RL (real life) friends will read it and get upset over something I've written. What can I do to maintain the integrity of my diary without alienating my friends?

Frustrated in Fresno"

Dear Frustrated,

When writing an online diary open to your social circle you can run into a number of delicate situations. On the one hand the diary has traditionally been considered a great place to vent and get your more emotionally charged rants out of your system. It's even been used abundantly for simply gossiping with yourself. On the other hand the online nature of your diary has turned your most vulnerable, wretched, and scandalous thoughts into a series of press releases to your friends and the general public. Sometimes, as we've learned from Enron, there will be a backlash to such a thing.

Fortunately, learning how to talk about your darkest secrets with your friends, acquaintances, and random net pedestrians is as easy a process as making a press release about how the new toddler toy you released is simultaneously a choking hazard and highly toxic in poorly ventilated areas. People do it all the time. You need to learn to emphasize certain facets of the story while downplaying anything that would make you look bad. This is what people in the business refer to as "spin." This "spin" is exactly what you need to add to your diary to make it simultaneously diplomatic towards your audience and dramatic enough to drain you of your emotional impulses to kill, rape and maim. When discussing your more irritating friends focus not on their actions but on the results of their actions. For example; did your friend tell your crush you were home sick with (their words) "groin fungus?" You can delineate this event in your diary with such phrases as "and I found out today Jimmy knows I have a yeast infection. It was so embarrassing! I could just DIE!" Note how this focuses on your personal angst rather than the fact your friend is a dipshit. This allows you to suck up pity from your more considerate friends, guilt trip your lousy friends, and leaves you with plausible deniability against the high crime of "judging" people (something understood to be done only by Nazis and fascists). If you absolutely must blame someone, blame a higher power. Karma is always a good one, or its close cousin Fate. Avoid blaming vengeful deities. Even if they don't personally reach down from the heavens to smite you, vengeful deities attract vengeful followers and vengeful followers make up 63%* of all internet bitching and moaning. A long string of "Shiva will beat your head in with your own pelvis" comments are likely to distract from your more nuanced attempts to manipulate pity and guilt out of your readers... Or really anything you have to say at all.

But as long as you remember that you're not just writing a diary, but a manipulative news piece you should do okay.

Good Luck,
James

*Figure pulled from a camel's anus.
** No camels were harmed in the making of this blog.

Lonely Larry

2007-09-17T22:50:00.001-07:00

“Dear James,

I live in the middle of nowhere. The only sign of civilization within 20 miles of me is a gas station, and my only social activity is to drive 50 miles into town to visit my dad in jail. I’m very lonely and might be going slowly mad. What should I do?

Lonely Larry”

Dear Larry,

While going mad is certainly a viable option, lack of a good health care plan may leave you unable to afford the expensive medication crazy people are entitled to. Without this medication to use or sell on the black market, madness has few worthwhile perks. Presuming your plan (if it exists at all) doesn’t cover boredom induced mental trauma you do still have several options. The most immediately accessible is to simply expand upon your involvement on the internet. Just take a look at any psychology text at the side effects of addiction: Lower desire to spend time with family and friends, a sense of euphoria at the computer, craving more time at the computer, reduced personal hygiene… The addicted individual can, it seems, exchange interest in social activities for interest in their computer. Since you have a computer, and do not have any social activities this can only work in your favor. You might be surprised to know that there is an ever growing population of individuals that have voluntarily given up all semblance of their real lives and eschew all real world social contact in favor of more time on the internet.

One thing to be careful of, however; Research into sensory deprivation has shown that when people are deprived of their senses, for instance by being unable to touch, hear, see or taste those you interact with, it can cause obsessive and hyper emotional responses to normally mild stimuli. If you find yourself breaking into wrenching sobs whenever someone puts a colon and the front end of a parenthesis together like so : (, or fails to respond to an "IM" with appropriate haste, or even if you’re just unable to build that full on addiction experience in the first place, you might want to move on to other options.

Building a real addiction isn’t the only replacement for friends and activities. You can also build your life around a faked addiction. Consider joining a support group for substance abuse. This can be an excellent gateway into social interaction for the inexperienced because people in the group are required to talk and listen to you. There will also frequently be some sort of snack available which you can use to replace meals, and thus alleviate your fuel costs from driving into town. Make sure you do your research before you try this option! You don’t want to look like a normal and psychologically healthy person in front of your new friends or they will boot you to the curb faster than you can blink twice. Make sure to practice your tales of woe and heartbreak in the mirror beforehand. Also be careful of anyone inviting you to join an underground boxing/terrorism organization. The food they serve at those clubs is terrible, and I've found it to be frequently infested with rat urine.

And with this advice I wish you the best of luck,
James

X-box Woes

2007-09-10T13:25:00.000-07:00

"Dear James,

My mom won't get me an X-Box 360. She says we're not in the right tax bracket. What can I do?

Bored in Boston"

Dear bored,

When a parent says they can't afford something, they rarely mean that they lack sufficient funds for it. Instead, they've assessed the value (to them) of you having what you want this month in comparison to having the money for something they might want. The key to balancing this mental equation in your favor is in deciphering why your parents would buy you anything at all. Ever. This is in fact, very difficult to understand if you're not a parent. Afterall, when was the last time you went out and bought your younger sibling or your friend something they want just because they wanted it? Why buy something for somone that will never return the favor, is likely to forget your gift within the week, and will be asking for something else in by the end of the month? Your parents might not have originally evaluated your desires like this, but likely by the time you're five they'll have figured it out. This is likely why your mother always says no the first time you ask her for something. Of course, as children we never ask just once. This is where the miracle of wish-fulfillment happens. Sometime, over the course of the next 50 requests for the same thing something magical happens. In her mind she starts to rationalize the purchase. Perhaps it no longer seems so expensive to her, maybe she thinks your gratitude will cause you to remember mother's day this year, maybe she even assumes you won't get bored of it by the end of the week. It's tempting to dismiss these delusions as simply your mother "coming around," but this process signifies a much deeper, more instinctual process. It is a shift in how your dream gizmo/designer apparel/whatever is valued. It begins to represent hope, a strengthening of the child/parent bond, leverage, and most importantly, a temporary reprieve. Changing what an X-Box 360 really means to your mother is what's truly key here. It can't just be some flashy toy that keeps you occupied, it has to represent some idea or emotion that she can indulge herself in, even if it is just a return to the status quo.

Sometimes creating this shift of value can take more than simple repitition, however. You might consider hanging around the house more, especially when you have nothing to do. Complain loudly and frequently how bored you are, getting into trouble on a regular basis during these intervals. If your mother is the clever sort, try to arrange your acts of bored frustration so they actually end up costing her more money than your entertainment. Of course this will all appear to backfire at first. She'll claim your behavior is exactly why she doesn't buy you things, she'll ground you, in a fit of frustration she may even speak in tongues. Rest assured though, this is all a necessary part of the process. By the time the 460 comes out, she will break and you'll have what would have been the cutting age technology in video games if you'd just saved up the money and bought it for yourself 3 years ago.

Best of luck,
James

Housewide Prohibition

2007-09-01T16:38:00.000-07:00

Dear James,

I'm 21 years old now and living with my parents while I go to school. My parents can be real control freaks sometimes, and they won't let me keep alcohol around the house, or even drink it at all while I'm at home. I hate being treated like some errant teenager, but I can't afford to both move out and go to school at the same time. What can I do?

Controlled in California

Dear Controlled,

Drinking at your parent's house needn't be that different than drinking in public places. Sure, you might need to be a bit more discreet than putting your vodka bottles in brown paper sacks, but the theory is the same. Using empty soda bottles is a good place to start for hiding the booze's physical presence, but the scent of inebriation is hard to mistake, which means if you ever plan to indulge yourself in actual drinking you might be required to make certain lifestyle changes.

Obviously the lifestyle change you won't be making is respecting your parent's wishes and acquiesce to their rules. We all understand this to mean your parent's have "won", and no American child worthy of calling themselves such wants that. Mind games and skulduggery are really your only options, preserving a longstanding tradition for children of privilege to avoid situations that inconvenience them. One old stand-by solution that's been in use for decades is to claim or arrange the desired activities to be "for school." Amongst parents homework is a sacred institution which, once assigned, may not be questioned or inhibited in any way. This doctrine stems from when children went to school with the intent of gaining training that would make them more industrious, and thus more successful. They would then use some of that success to ensure that their parents were well taken care of after retirement. While every part of this view is now obsolete, it will take a few decades for the culture to catch up with the economy. With this in mind check to see if your university offers a major in Fermentation Sciences that you can add to your existing one. If not, check out the community colleges in the surrounding area. You may be able to transfer (admittedly useless) credits from one to the other. The rest of the plan flows logically from here: making alcohol is part of your education, testing that alcohol is part of your grade, and maintaining your grade requires homework. All homework is protected by the sacred parenting doctrine which trumps personal distaste or fear of carpet stains (usually, don't go too wild with the carpet stains. Some subcultures within the parent community leave an out for protecting carpets).

If, for whatever reason your parents are having trouble following why you now have free license to booze up in their house, try discussing the earning potential of breweries in comparison to your current major in underwater basket-weaving sciences. Jointly, start frequent discussions on the state of Social Security in 20 years and problems with their 401k plan. The fear and uncertainty should overtake reason soon enough, putting you well on your way to being able to play your video games completely schnookered once again.

Best of luck,
James

2007-08-24T20:17:00.000-07:00

"Dear James,

I fear my girlfriend is going to leave me soon. She's grown distant, and frequently seems too busy for me. I've tried giving her space, but each time I do she only seems to ask for more. What should I do?

Missing Marilyn in Missouri"

Dear Missing,

One of the most reliable ways to develop an emotional closeness to somone is to ensure they develop an unhealthy dependency upon you. Normally this is accomplished either through the complicense of your partner's personality (they are prone to developing such a dependency), or through rigorous psychological abuse. Long time readers should already be aware of how hesitant I am to give any advice involving such adjectives as "rigorous," "difficicult" or "persevering." The easy way is the bread and butter of our lives, and while it may not always be the best options, it's certainly the best-selling. So onto the quick fix.

Since you've already chosen a partner you've probably eliminated your chances of just finding a girl prone to dependencies from the get-go so I can only recomend a more difficult option; A life threatening illness. Some of the most enduring love stories are those of the cancer patient/parapalegic/terminal hangnailee and their caretaker falling madly in love and living happily ever after, or tragically romantically ever after. This sort of story arises as a fortunate consequence of our cultures very limited emotional vocabulary. We have pretty much only one meaningful descriptor for any positive relationship between any two nouns. For example; I love my wife, I love my son, I love my hamster, the camera loves me. As a general rules few if any of these forms of love mean a candlelight dinner at an overpriced restraunt, but they all use the same word and this works incredibly well to create confusion that an opportunistic individual such as yourself can take advantage of. By taking advantage of our societies tendency to confusion affection and gratitude with romantic love you can be the dashing and doting love interest that nurses her back to health.

Unfortunately, people very rarely fall deathly ill. I mean it'd be great if it happened, but let's face it, the odds aren't what you'd take to Vegas. Probably not even to Reno. Instead of waiting for her to contract a real life-threatening illness, consult your local hypochondriac who can give you a number of fairly common symptoms for incredibly dangerous diseases. Bring up various friends of friends in conversation that had the same symptoms she may be suffering from (tired in the morning, depressed at work, sore throat, etc...) and eventually died or became bedridden for life. Enough talk like this and she may start getting checked out, just in case. When she does make sure she's gone to a doctor that's recently been sued. If you're lucky he'll be so skittish about giving a falsly negative diagnosis he'll come up with all sorts of diseases she could have in order to cover his rear. Who knows? You might even luck out and she'll actually have something rather nasty.

And don't forget, if you fail on the disease front there's still life-altering injuries. See if you can get her to take up mountain climbing with you, or even babysitting if you're really desperate. With any luck you'll have you very own completely dependent mostly paralyzed attention sink for the rest of your natural life.

Best of Luck,
James

Just Like I Said

2007-08-05T10:43:00.001-07:00

... I'll be back in August. It's an August, I'm back and up and running. I should have some new advice posted shortly, but in the meantime send me your desperate pleas for help and I assure you I shall oblige with all the tact and professionalism you have come to expect from me here at Advice From James.

Tatta for now,
James

On Hiatus...

2006-08-08T21:59:00.000-07:00

Do to mild burnout I'm putting this on hiatus for a few more weeks. If you find that you are at a loss without my advice over that period of time, simply put your head between your legs and cower in a basement until I return.

Should be sometime near the end of August.

Don't forget to stock up on bread and water!

One hit wonders

2006-07-17T18:26:00.000-07:00

"Dear James,

A friend of mine has been searching for a mate on the online personal ads. She met one guy in person and became extremely attached to him. A week after their first and only meeting, he is now telling her that he is moving to a city that is three hours away because he got a fantastic job offer. She is very disappointed and upset and says that she will greatly miss him. What I don't understand is: How can someone get so attached to another person after only meeting one time? She wants a sympathetic ear and needs cheering up- I am going to try my best, but I worry that I will come across as sounding more like a mom that tells her to get to know a person first before attaching yourself to them.

-Friend, but feels more like Mom"

Dear Mom,

Understanding how your friend feels will be difficult. It may help to know that is it logically more tenable for people to seem perfect after one date rather than maintaining an illusion of flawlessness over the course of a relationship. Nonetheless, conceptualizing her attachment may take some research. Try to line up a succession of men, dating each only once. While you may have trouble forming a strong attachment in one date, the sheere quantity of weak attractions to these men will provide you some simulation of her experience. Even if this doesn't provide you a good sense of empathy it should take up enough time that your friend will mostly recuperate on her own during the interim.

It may be, however, that your friend will become impatient, demanding more immediate assistance. In this case formulate a list of cliche phrases from a variety of romance movies. Remember to change the appropriate names, then memorize as many as you can. Do not deviate from your list, reciting each in succession until she appears emotionally sated. This structured approach will prevent you from accidentally allowing some common sense or rationality to interferee with your advice and support.

As a final unrelated note, remember to bring a change of shirt in case things get mucusy.

Best of luck,
James

Good ol' tight-ass fun!

2006-07-16T18:51:00.000-07:00

"Dear james,

I am a TYPE A personality. People say I am too controlling. I have limited amounts of fun in my life. I spend too much time working on homework and projects which are pointless. What should I do to remedy my social dullness?"

As a society focused around rebellion and youth the concepts of power and control have gotten a bad wrap as being "stodgy," "anal," or even "fascist." As children we are bombarded by fantastic stories of overbearing adults wielding their authority to interfere with the fun of the protagonists. What is often overlooked in the interpretations of these stories is why the authorities wield their powers so arbitrarily. As it turns out, studies have shown it's actually a great deal of fun to inflict your whims on others. Experts in Fringe science have hypothesized that this is because of an undiscovered fourth law of thermodynamics whereby all fun in the universe must ultimately equal a net zero. This means that the more "negative" fun you give others, the more "positive" fun will be available to you.

With this in mind try to put yourself in charge of projects that have wide ranging effects on those around you. Avoid endeavors with naturally democratic undertones in favor of those that distribute tyrannical control over a helpless populace. In short, take up babysitting.

If on the other hand you insist on "broadening your horizons" and "experiencing new things" in your pursuit of being a fun person then you may try participating in activities that are less structured. These should force you to take on a reactive role rather than a proactive one, thus shunting responsibility for your entertainment onto others. For example, take a dance class or participate at the grunt level in a team sport like dodgeball (the ultimate in reactive fun). If these are too physical for you, try talking at length with telemarketers.

You may similarly consider taking a few classes where the homework could be considered "fun." Photography, brewing, pottery and experimental psychology are all good examples of classes that tend to assign fun and amusing activities as homework. You should also begin the process of making more friends, screening each new applicant for a host of misdemeanors. If they have at least four on their record then they're probably worth the investment of time and money that friends (especially broke friends) tend to demand.

While these strategies will not instantly make you into the freewheeling drain on society most people celebrate as "free spirited," your life should gradually become far more interesting both for yourself and any friends that you manage to hold onto through the process.

Best of luck,
James

Hair loss: not as bad as incontinence...

2006-07-13T16:48:00.000-07:00

"Dear James,

Over the last several years I have noticed a considerable thinning up top, and have recently become obsessed about what I should do. I catch myself looking at people in the subway, on the bus, and even in the latrine (looking at their hair). Anyways, I have started wondering... as my baldness becomes more apparent, what should I do? I have recently began considering the options - stealing other people's hair, replacing the hair on my head with my ever plentiful pubic hair, combing hair from the sides of my head to the middle, or even burning the remaining strands in a bloody and raunchy debacle. As you also seem to be suffering from the same LOHC (loss of hair condition), I was wondering if you have any words of wisdom?

- Floopy"

Dear Floopy,

Aging brings on many changes that we, as a culture that reveres youth, have become ill-suited at adapting to. For the most unfortunate of us wrinkles, physical frailty, graying and baldness will strike in a staggering flurry as startling and socially crippling as any of the uncontrolled bowel movements that accompanies them. Fortunately for you, your physiology has chosen to introduce you to the cultural exile of old age at a slow and easy pace, allowing you plenty of time to adapt to your growing obsolescence. Do not waste this grace period. You can begin your search for the best bingo games now, calculating the parlors with the greatest payout, and highest concentration of young hotties (fifty somethings) while you still have your eyesight and ability to drive in a straight line. You should also be aware that many magazines for the elderly give big discounts if you sign up for a subscription lasting longer than they think their readers will live for. For instance Crotchety Geezer Monthly gives out free golf carts to all its 20 year subscribers. At the same time, because you're in a nebulous "twilight" period of aging you can continue participating in the fringe section of our youth culture. To aid in this it might be helpful to adapt a style that distracts from the markings of old age. How you do this will depend on which subcultural fringe you choose to hide within. Hooligans, for instance, frequently use paint or make-up to adopt a visage so bizarre that few would have the presence of mind to contemplate your bald spots. Meanwhile transexuals frequently use extravagant means to disguise many aspects of their appearance, often resulting in people being too preoccupied figuring out your gender to consider what might be beneath your wig.

Regardless of how you decide to approach your hair loss, try to hold on to the nervous obsession you've developed about it. You'll find it very useful later on when you need to keep yourself distracted from the onset of wrinkles.

Best of luck,
James

(to request advice from James or provide fake sponsorship for this column either leave a comment or email advicefromjames@hotmail.com.)

On Backseat Drivers

2006-07-10T19:41:00.000-07:00

Today's advice comes from guest writer Kathy Vanwormer, a proclaimed expert on topics of advanced drivology and nose into buisness placement. And without further adieu...

Dear James,

I have compiled the following essay to educate the public on backseat drivers. Please share this information with your readers.

Sincerely,
Kathy

On the Importance of Backseat Drivers

Many people in our society fail to see the necessity and wisdom of backseat drivers. This is a grave mistake to make, as having extra eyes, ears, and a mouth is often essential to the proper operation of a vehicle.

First, it is necessary to identify a backseat driver. The most important aspect of a backseat driver is that their two cents are not solicited by the driver, but instead are given by the free will of the participating driving assistant. The term “backseat” can be misleading as a backseat driver can sit in any position in the car except for the driver’s seat. It is best to sit in the back right or front passenger positions to have a better view of the speedometer, blinker indicators, and driver’s feet. A backseat driver is someone who positions themselves and then shares thoughts, ideas, or observations related to the operation of the vehicle. Some backseat drivers are called “navigators” while others are “vehicle operation experts”, giving navigational and operational advice, respectively. A backseat driver can also take both of these positions simultaneously, offering the most extensive help to the driver possible.

A backseat driver’s main responsibility is to the safety of the vehicle. This includes reminding the driver when they are driving too fast for the legal speed or current conditions, if they are stopping too late or accelerating too quickly, or if they fail to follow any other safety rule such as stopping completely at stop signs to the letter. As driving is a difficult task, the reminders must come often enough to keep these considerations fresh in the driver’s mind, perhaps every 30 seconds to 1 minute. The backseat driver must also serve as the eyes for the driver when looking to the right, especially when backing out of a parking spot. They should also alert the driver when any other car comes within 500 feet of the vehicle, helping to maintain a safety bubble around the car.

The secondary responsibilities of a backseat driver are related to the navigation of the vehicle. This includes but is not limited to: reminding the driver which lane to be in at all times to achieve the desired destination, announcing “forward!”, “left!”, or “right!” at every intersection, and improvising routes when the driver seems lost or confused to keep the vehicle on the right path. It may be necessary to extensively unfold a very large map in the front seat when the driver is severely lost, making sure to hold it close enough for him/her to read their location.

Another less common responsibility of a backseat driver is to answer cell phones or make calls for the driver. If the drivers phone rings, it is safest if the backseat driver answers it, no matter who the caller may be. The backseat driver should feel free to divulge information about the location and intents of the driver upon request. Sending messages from the driver's phone can also relieve the driver of the task of trying to message friends and family while operating a vehicle. All of this correspondence can easily and efficiently be carried out by the backseat driver.

This short essay was written to educate people on the importance of backseat drivers. Next time you are driving and one of your friends is being helpful in these ways, don’t tell them to be quiet, instead salute them and thank them for their effective efforts!

***
Coming up next: Hair loss and how it contributes to voyeurism, and a mystery celebrity asks for help on cutting loose! All this coming up sometime this week on Advice From James.

Advice on Etiquette, Part III

2006-07-08T23:23:00.000-07:00

And after a week's hiatus for Independence celebrations and the like...

How to end a conversation.

A survey of sociologists recently revealed a belief that Americans waste as much as a billion hours each year in awkward attempts at ending completed conversations. In the workplace alone our unwieldly goodbyes are believed to account for twenty kagillion dollars of lost productivity in the workplace. This trend of wasted time traces all the way back to colonial times when America's primary purpose in the eyes of the world was the exchange of goods. This ended up creating a narrow focus in the fledgling American culture's development which had repercussions that echo even in today's society. As a result, today we are nearly devoid of social traditions outside of the business transaction. In fact it is not widely denied by historians that much of the initial tension between colonists and the native populations came from our tendency to turn our backs immediately after a transaction and begin discussing the popular sporting events of the time. Though it is actually hypothesized that this wouldn't have been quite so damaging had the colonists not been so possessed of the penchance for naming teams after revered spirits of native tribes, and describing these sporting events in extremely "colorful" language. Conceiving of such was, however, well beyond the social consciousness of the time.

Today, while many of us are more aware of what not to do in ending a conversation, we are left socially paralyzed when deciding how to move on with our lives after its conclusion. Because we have no clear tradition to guide us it becomes appropriate to divine our course from similar situations. This means we have to jury-rig a variety of related rituals together. With duct tape.

With this in mind consider the end to some of our other social rituals. For instance many people bring the mating ritual to a close by lighting up a cigarette. Of course you can't always light up a cigarette at the close of every conversation, but consider some other ways to occupy your mouth so that you're no longer obligated to speak. The most often used replacement for a cigarette is some sort of food stuff. Your ideal choice will be something with the necessary consistency to make speaking either impossible, or really disgusting. Peanut butter, a large wad of chewing gum, or maybe just a strip of raw-hide are all good choices. All you need to do is wait for the briefest lull and then pop the object of choice into your mouth just as you wave goodbye. This should signify both that your partner shouldn't wait for you to finish, and that you'll be unable to make any last second addendums to what's been said.

Along the same lines consider the beginning of a conversation. What was its purpose? Often times people talk merely to fill an uncomfortable silence. If you can arrange for that silence to be filled with something else, something that doesn't require any more input from you, it should be much easier to break off from the conversation. Try holding your conversations near the tracks of a train station, or perhaps in the presence of a small child. The noxious and overwhelming sound that these objects regularly emit can make speech nearly impossible, and provide a handy excuse for a concise non-verbal goodbye.

If all else has failed and you can't think of a way to leave without seeming abrupt and uninterested in your partner, consider providing encouragement to them to end the conversation. Feel the urge to pick your nose? Do it. Feel like breaking into The Song That Never Ends? Just mention you've got it stuck in your head, and then start singing. Sure, this behavior seems noxious. But if you've spent the last half hour talking about absolutely nothing you're going to find that even the most desperate of measures looking tempting.

Best of luck,
James

Today's advice brought to you by Newtonian Physics. When it absolutely positively has to be on the ground now accept no substitute. Now with special rates on apples.

(To request advice or provide sponsorship for an advice column send mail to advicefromjames@hotmail.com or leave a comment)

Advice on Etiquette, Part II

2006-07-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

One of the most frequent snafus made in polite company is unintended commentary. Perhaps you have a compulsion to immediately and loudly announce each time you sight a peculiarly ugly baby. Maybe your sense of fashion is so second nature that you’ve found yourself remarking on how badly someone’s shirt goes with his pasty complexion before you’ve even registered that your boss can wear whatever he damn well pleases. If you find this a chronic problem of yours you may consider investing in a portable white noise generator. This can give you freedom to indulge in your base and primal fashion-based urges.

If you don’t slip out inappropriate commentary enough to justify purchase of a white noise generator, or you simply forgot to bring it with you then you can try this quick fix solution. Pretend your comment was part of a spontaneous recitation of a play you’re rehearsing for. Try to come up with a few hip, modernistic play titles in advance for such an occasion, or you could even use real but obscure plays. Just make sure that you improvise a continuation of your insults to make it seem to the offended individual that the comments are in fact better fitted to an eccentric thespian than an inconsiderate jackass. If you have a friend with you try to get them to play along. A prompt such as “Your line Ingrid” should get them on board while also advertising to those around you that the comment had nothing to do with them.

If they decide to confront you on the matter anyway, try to justify your explanation by denying the truth of your previous statement. For example “How could I possibly be talking about your baby? That monobrow is adorable, and the way that mucus has pooled around his lip really brings out his eyes.” Hopefully they won’t be able to come up with a way to admit your insult without also admitting their child looks like three day old road kill.

If all of the above fails don’t forget that there’s always one last resort. Pretend to be a tourist. This sort of behavior is expected of tourists, though it may help to purchase a US travel guide to complete the illusion of cultural ignorance.

Best of luck,
James

Today’s Daily Advice brought to you by the Indian Board of Tourism. “Come to India, we promise we still have some room left.”

(To request advice from James email advicefromjames@hotmail.com, or leave a comment below.)

Advice on Etiquette, Part I

2006-06-27T22:34:00.000-07:00

Parties and social exclusion:

If Machiavelli really wanted to make it into the popular literature he should have written a book on throwing a party. In our day to day lives, the prospect of throwing a party will often bring out the most manipulative politician in all of us, and nowhere is this more true than the act of putting together a guest list. So what do you do when you're friends with, or somehow socially dependent on someone who's presence will make the party less enjoyable? Or worse, someone who will steal your limelight?

To answer this it is probably most apt to look back into the society of ancient Rome. It is a little known fact that the Roman political system was actually designed around the propagation of wild parties. The dream, in fact, was to one day extend a giant infrastructure of celebration across the entire continent of Europe, something that would support a party so grandiose that it would live on throughout history. Alas, the plan never reached fruition, and was ultimately eclipsed by Mardi Gras many centuries later anyways. Nonetheless, the political methodology for party throwing is still used today.

Now because of the nature of a Roman party it was a vitally important hygiene issue for ancient Roman senators to have a strict control of the guest lists for their more important 'functions'. Originally they maintained this control by starting a constant stream of wars. They would then appoint important, but socially undesirable individuals to lead troops on vast and glorious foreign campaigns "for the glory of Rome." You might wonder on how this could be applicable in modern times? I mean starting a war is a time consuming affair, and getting others to fight it for you would require an unfathomable propaganda campaign. However, you may consider taking the idea without every literal detail. Try organizing your parties during events that will draw away as many undesirables as you can. Funerals and weddings tend to be ideal as they are planned in advance, and usually have a great deal of stigma assigned to those who would dash out on an RSVPed invitation. If none are handy though, try school events, sports events, season finales, or important religious holidays. Just make sure that your regular partygoers are either uninterested or unaffected by whatever event you pick.

Eventually it was mentioned by a naive young aide that starting a war just to get Levidius the Leper out of town might be a bit unethical. This didn't really create much of a stir (or any, in fact) until it was also mentioned that many of the individuals sent to war were not necessarily very good at it, causing some fairly major losses for the Roman Empire at large. A new and more broadly applicable strategy was needed. And so it was that the decoy party was invented. The popular senators had bathhouses specially created in which parties for the socially undesirable were held to turn attention away from the cool parties. These were invariably stocked with plentiful and potent (though usually low quality) stores of wine, and the cool senators would have a rotation where they would have to mandatorily throw and attend these parties to keep up appearances. Unlike the option of constant military conquest this lesson is far more applicable in today's partying atmosphere. Waiting for the less popular people to throw a party at the same time that you eventually announce your own for is a time honored tradition amongst many high school cultures, although there it is more frequently used as a means to squash unwitting political rivals.

Eventually it became necessary to exclude senators who were too popular, too handsome, or just too charming to be allowed to attend a party with the more self-obsessed organizers. This brought up a difficult conundrum. How do you exclude someone that most of your guests want to attend? After all, your guests are bound to ask of both you and your excluded why s/he didn't join in the festivities. And if you get a reputation for intentionally excluding people everyone wants to talk to then people will stop coming to your parties. Its for these occasions that the last minute invite was invented. With this solution you simply wait until the party is just about to start (or preferably, is already half way over) before you give your 'good friend' a ring to ask them why they're not there. If you're lucky they're already busy with something more important (they are popular after all). Even if they're not, you'll have a decent percentage of the party to be the 'cool kid', hopefully enough to fuel up your ego for the inevitable onslaught upon your self worth of not being the most liked person in the room.

Obviously this worked better in Roman times when the primary means of communication required a runner and a written message. Although even in modern day you can finegal this as an acceptable means of delivering invitations. This is what 'theme' parties are for.

Regardless, best of luck. Throwing a party is an ego trip like none other so enjoy the ride.

Today’s Daily Advice brought to you by someone who stiffed me my $.03 advertisement charge. You get nothin' until I get my wire you bastard!

(If you would like to provide fake sponsorship of a Daily Advice, or you would like to ask for specific advice, send email to advicefromjames@hotmail.com )

Daily Advice for Friday, June 23rd

2006-06-23T21:15:00.000-07:00

Weekly Topic: Finance

I was recently approached about an investment opportunity regarding a crop of 'magic beans'. What should I do?

Magic beans, snake oil elixers; back in the day these were once a staple part of the economy. Purveyors of these fine placebos would selflessly risk life and limb to give people some momentary glimpse of hope in their lives. They were true heroes. Nowadays such a profession can indeed be quite dangerous. We have all sorts of consumer protection laws, licensing requirements, FDA approvals and the like that make such merchant's lives very difficult. Most have been forced out of the country, relying on relentless spam mail to hawk their wares. Once in a great while you may actually still find a street vendor dealing out of his trench coat.

Now obviously you don't actually want to expend your hard earned money on a package of useless beans, but fortunately you don't have too. Most vendors using this age old ploy are actually either schizophrenic or delusional, and may well fall for the same line given the chance. Try offering them your invisible cow, or perhaps a free session of chi-focusing acupuncture using the magical monofilament needles you carry around in your hand. If you're convincing enough you may just make a trade, and your vendor will walk away happy.

But don't forget, as soon as you're done go plant the beans. You usually only have about 10 minutes of freshness once purchased and you don't want them to go to waste!

Today's Daily Advice has been brought to you by Honest Al's bean emporium. Every bean you could ever imagine, sold in its original imaginary state.

(If you would like to offer fake sponsorship, or you have a specific question for advice from james, email advicefromjames.blogspot.com with your request.)

Daily Advice for Thursday, June 22nd

2006-06-22T23:59:00.000-07:00

Weekly Topic: Finance

How to lend money to friends.

As a general rule, lending money to people is a very risky endeavor that has very limited payoffs. Many of us don’t even ever expect the money back, we lend it because we don’t wish to look like a douche, and thus having social interaction withheld from us because of our stinginess. Sometimes it can start to be a strain on our finances to always be paying out for this reason, so here are a few ways to mitigate your losses:

1) If you can, always try to loan less than you’re asked for. Usually people will have hard time getting upset with you while you’re handing them the money they need. Use that moment of vulnerability to make a few lame excuses about why you can’t give them the full amount. Try to arrange it so that you’re actually withholding the money until they nod in acceptance of your explanation.

Note that this may have the added benefit of preventing your friend from purchasing that which he was borrowing the money for. This will make it easier to collect on the debt later.

2) Whenever possible, try to purchase your friend’s affection with renewable resources. Instead of lending them money, use that money to invest in things that you both need. Then lend those tools/games/pornography to them on a regular basis. This will prevent them from ostracizing you for not giving them money.

3) If you’ve already accepted that you’re not likely to ever again see the money you lend, consider trying to borrow something of your friend’s at the same time s/he borrows the money. Etiquette will dictate that your friend must loan you anything s/he’s not in the process of using (or can pretend s/he’s using). Make sure you choose carefully though, as you’ll only get one shot at trying to borrow something before you give the appearance of “scavenging” your friend’s belongings in a moment of need.

Note: If you’re in a vindictive mood you can use this borrowed object later as collateral for collecting on your friend’s debt.

Finally, if your friend is a frequent borrower, don’t be afraid to say no. Likely they don’t have the resources to go out and make other friends anyhow, so they won’t be in a position to ostracize or guilt you effectively.

Today’s Daily Advice brought to you by the letter K K, we may be entirely redundant with the existence of C, but we’ve got style!

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Charity on the Go

2006-06-21T22:06:00.000-07:00

"Dear James,

What should I do if there's a homeless person by a stop light that's green? I mean, is it okay to roll down my window and throw a sandwich at him as I pass by? Or maybe not a sandwich, but a juice box or package of fruits snacks?

Sincerely,
Charity in a Hurry"

Dear Charity,

When throwing food at people it is important to consider two things; the durability of the food, and the velocity at which it will be traveling. Now most of the homeless are considerate enough to stand on the curb next to the street, likely only a few feet from where you'll pass by them. If you're moving in moderate to heavy traffic the food object won't need to travel too quickly, and you might even be able to stop before throwing it to improve your accuracy. In this situation you should gently lob your meal as close to the target as possible, though if necessary, try to err on the side of distance. Accidentally tossing the food into the street can have disastrous consequences. Under these circumstances you are justified in throwing anything edible that can't reasonably be used as an effective projectile weapon (cans of soup, glass bottles, fruit cake, etc...).

Sometimes, however, you'll just be passing through at a reasonable speed. Perhaps you have a few cars behind you, or perhaps you're simply in a hurry. Under these conditions throwing anything without a highly yielding consistency could be considered assault. Trust me, you don't want to go to prison with a rap sheet consisting entirely of a botched attempt at generosity. People like that get singled out like newborn lambs. If worse comes to worse try to claim that the hobo flashed you an unpopular gang sign before you pegged him with last weeks meat loaf. If nothing else, your fellow inmates should leave you alone during meal time.

Best of Luck,
James

Daily Advice for Tuesday, June 20th

2006-06-21T00:01:00.000-07:00

Weekly Topic: Finance

How to avoid speeding tickets

Speeding is as naturally a part of human locomotion as it gets. Ever since the days of cavemen we’ve always strived to go steadily faster. Originally this was to avoid getting eaten, but the modern day has brought on a new, but equally important set of motivations. For instance, cutting your daily commute down by five minutes, giving you that much more time to climb out of bed. But then, perhaps we wouldn’t even need such earthly concerns to motivate us. Perhaps going 42 in a 35 zone is embedded in our souls. But that’s something for the theologians to puzzle out. For now here are some tips on avoiding expending next month’s mortgage payments on these spiritual indiscretions:

1) Beware of controversial bumper stickers. For instance, when you’re passing through terrain hostile to your favorite sports team it may be wise to cover up your supportive bumper stickers temporarily with a few for the local team. If the officer pulling you over is a sports fan this can give you a sizable bit of leeway. After all, if you were in his shoes how willing would you be to give a fellow ‘Fighting Bullfrogs’ fan a ticket?

2) Develop the skill of crying on command. This can create a sense of both pity and awkwardness in the situation that will encourage the officer to end it as soon as possible, and giving warnings takes far less time than actually writing a ticket. Keep in mind if you’re male that it’s okay to out and out blubber during the stop. This should take the officer completely off guard, and drastically increase his discomfort in speaking to you.

3) Master the art of baiting. This involves finding some nutzoid willing to do 100 in a 55 zone and keeping pace with, but well behind them. They should flush out all the speed traps for you, allowing you to speed with impunity.

Following these handy hints should cut your speeding tickets at least in half, even for chronic speeders. For the casual speeder you may never have a ticket again! (results not guaranteed. James takes no responsibility if your tickets actually increase as a result of this advice).

Today’s Daily Advice brought to you by Melancholy Melons. The finest fruits ever grown in Anchorage Alaska.

(to place your fake sponsorship for the Advice from James column, or request specific advice contact advicefromjames@hotmail.com )

Daily Advice for Monday, June 19th

2006-06-19T23:10:00.000-07:00

Weekly Topic: Finance

Raising the next generation on a budget.

Even to those of us that don't have children, the financial burden of child-rearing is obvious. We all remember the trips to the doctor and the constant demands for food, shelter and entertainment from our own childhood. We can probably get a good estimate of how much this set our parents back. The financial burden of children can make remodeling look like a trip to Taco Shell. So you're probably asking yourself, "Are there any ways to cut some corners on this whole 'raising a child' thing?" The answer is yes. Here are three of my favorites:

1) "A wise man always follows a brave man." Try to wait until a close friend has a baby before starting on your own. You'll save a fortune on hand me downs, but beware; Don't let anyone else steal your strategy or you may be stuck with some unexpected costs. It might be worth slipping birth control pills into potential rival's morning coffee, just to make sure.

2) Try to teach your children slightly off-kilter pronunciation, and encourage their mistaken assumptions. Stupid children are invariably cuter than the smart ones. They massage adult's egos with their constant need for correction, making even the most dejected of people feel needed and useful. Behavior like this will make it much easier for you to attain free daycare from friends and relatives.

3) Finally, for the long term it's usually best if your child has a different last name than you. This will make it easier for you to be rid of them when they reach adulthood by allowing you to act as housing and employment references more easily.

With babysitting, baby cloths, and care-duration limits taken care of you should be able to save up enough to retire even after your children financially abandon you and vote to stiff you your social security checks, at least by the age of 82 anyhow.

Today's Daily Advice brought to you by Taco Shell. All the great taste, menu items, prices and architectural layout of a Taco Bell, but without the yappy little dog.

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Daily Advice for Sunday, June 18th

2006-06-19T08:11:00.000-07:00

Weekly Topic: Finance

Getting more for less; tips for effective mooching.

When we walk into the house of a friend it can often feel like we’ve just arrived at our favorite store. After all we tend to make friends with people that have similar tastes and they can frequently afford things we can not. By invoking words such as “borrow,” “grab,” or “bum” we can access all sorts of nifty goodies from DVDs to nachos and cheese. Be forewarned however; even though we may not have to hand over hard currency when we mooch, there is a more abstract social cost to it. Spend too much and you could find yourself without any friends. Here are some tips on avoiding spending yourself into social bankruptcy:

1) Avoid taking more than you can carry in one trip. If you’re making multiple runs to your car with armloads of your friend’s things it can give them too much extra time to consider the social equity of the situation.

2) things that your friends are proud of acquiring have a lower social costs if you praise the objects afterwards.

3) If you’re mooching consumables, try to eat with dainty restraint while your friend is watching you. Wait until they leave the room before gorging.

4) Finally, try to avoid mooching off of people with significant and useful positions in life. People like doctors, farmers, sanitation workers, advice columnists… They all work hard fulfilling a requisite function in our society, and we need access to the rewards of such hard work to motivate ourselves.

Also, we have mystic voodoo powers. Woooooooooooo!

Todays Daily Advice has been brought to you by The Communist Party. For those that believe altruism is best when it’s mandatory.

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Daily Advice for Saturday, June 17th

2006-06-17T15:51:00.000-07:00

Weekly Theme: Politics

Colonialization, is it right for me?

At some point in our lives we all have to sit down, take a look at where we’re going, and decide on some way to invest in our future. Some of us trust to bonds while others prefer the riskier investment of stocks, but one thing we all at some point in their lives have probably considered is whether or not it would be worth setting ourselves up as a colonial power in Wisconsin. It seems good on paper, doesn’t it? You get to play in the same league as the big boys; England, France, Chicago, etc…. What’s more, you have constant access to freshly made cheese from your new cheese plantations, as well as a beautiful vacation spot where everyone speaks at least broken English. But look before you leap! Most previous investors in colonialism ended up abandoning their colonies because of rising costs of rebellion as well as demands by the League of Nations for basic civil liberties. For these reasons and more colonialism is largely considered the corporate man’s game, providing little stability for a savvy long-term investor. After all, if retirement is on the horizon you’ll have plenty to worry about with increasing health care costs. You don’t need the additional burden of planning for military suppression of native populations.

Today’s advice has been brought to you by Slick Willy’s Retirement Investments for the Terminally Ill. Because you can never have too much money to spend in the afterlife.

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Daily Advice for Friday, June 16th

2006-06-16T20:22:00.000-07:00

Weekly Topic: Politics

To vote or not to vote...

When election times roll around getting to the polls can seem a daunting task. What's more, only in our most deluded fantasies can the votes we cast actually influence the results of the elections. So why then do so many people vote? What's more, why is it that TV, the ultimate source of wisdom/peer pressure, always telling us we need to vote? Could it be that television is lieing to us as some sort of sick joke, or could it even be that the broadcasters are misinformed about the effects our individual votes will have?

Fortunately for all concerned, questioning the veracity of television isn't necessary. The television isn't lieing to us anymore than it's telling the truth. What TV, and by extension society, is doing is offering you a deal. If you go out and vote society will grant you the power to snub and stigmatize those that do not. It doesn't matter if you're a deranged alcoholic living out of a refrigerator box. If you voted you have the right to approach anyone who did not; be they rich, religious, or in possession of a higher grade refrigerator box, point to them and exclaim asmerphartnox*!

*deranged hobo speak for "Tsk tsk"

Today's Daily Advice brought to you by the Refrigeratorium. Refrigerators for the new millennium*!

*Refrigeratorium products cannot actually contain or effect spans of time.

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Daily Advice for Thursday, June 15th

2006-06-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

Weekly Theme: Politics

How to choose the political party that's right for you.

When deciding on a political party to join it is important to remember that with enough drive, perseverance and money one person really can make a positive difference. In such a case it can be helpful to simply look over the various brochures offered to find the party best suited to you. If, on the other hand, you're a bit short on drive, perseverance and money you may want to consider the benefits of aiming for a negative difference instead. Try joining the political party most opposed to your personal beliefs and values. Once you've signed simply make a nuisance of yourself at every opportunity. It's fun, easy and you'll never feel obliged to make a political contribution again. As an added bonus for you misanthropes out there, you'll be able to meet people you can hate without going through the tiring formality of getting to know them first.

Today's advice has been brought to you by Moosta' Roosta's diet caffeine free cola. All the great taste of tap water, but twice as brown!

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Frustrated in Fresno

2006-06-09T18:14:00.000-07:00

"Dear James,

I dislike my boyfriend's sister, and family is very important to him, what should I do to best orchestrate familial harmony?

Sincerely,
Familial Frustration in Fresno"

As a civilized people we are frequently all too quick to dispense judgment upon any conflict, inflicting it with a strongly negative connotation. Whether we see people vying over food, space, or money we instantly feel the need to see the situation at an end. In your specific case it is this woman's very way of being that likely encourages you to conflict. Now most run of the mill advice columnists would suggest to you that you need to find some way of resolving the issue, or perhaps just come to an understanding with this woman. This seems the intuitive thing to do, right? I mean the source of the negative emotions must be in the conflict, so thus you must end the conflict to return to a state of contentment. Right?

While this may well work on paper, the reality is that ending a poorly defined conflict is very difficult. Even if you were perfectly able to articulate to her what it is you oppose about her mannerisms and beliefs, how can you realistically expect a polite situation to come up in which you could dispense this information? Let’s face it. For most of us, ending this kind of conflict is well over our heads. It’s just too hard. And when something’s too hard, quit.

As an alternate strategy consider the legendary confrontation between Ms. Beasley and Mr. Creighton. If you didn’t learn about this in school, Beasley and Creighton were two crippled folks living near McGill University sometime in the late 1800’s. The two had, over the years, developed a bitter dislike of each other that culminated on December 17, 1872 in a grand battle royale over a can of tuna turned face down on the iced over roadway leading up to their apartment building. Now someone could have stopped this, someone could have taken the tuna and demanded that they share it. Someone could have even called the authorities. However, instead of falling back on such measures a betting pool was taken up amongst onlookers. With little else in the way of entertainment available in this era it quickly became popular to offer a single can of tuna to both neighboring rivals during the weekends, the ensuing conflict invariably drawing a wide-ranging crowd which included such staples as cheering children, beer guzzling working stiffs, and members of burgeoning organized crime syndicates. And so it was that hockey was born.

You see, it’s really all about the audience to your conflict. What do they decide to make of it? In the case of the crippled tuna fight, they wanted a good time and a chance to wager their daily coal-mine earnings. Like Beasley and Creighton, you need to drum up this enthusiasm for your burgeoning rivalry. Build up some excitement for your tiffs. Try a little smack talk that indirectly challenges your opponent’s fans. This should rile them up and get them itching for a confrontation. Most importantly, when you actually have your conflicts of choice, whether they be direct arguments, snide comments, or passive aggressive assaults, make sure they’re always fun to watch. Put a little pizzazz into any fights you get into with lots of posturing. When the other woman gets in a good shot, do an overdramatic reel of surprise and shock.

And never forget to congratulate her on a good game after the final score for each conflict is tallied. This will keep your clashes “family friendly” which should help turnout from the value’s oriented crowd.

Oh, and if you ever need a manager feel free to fire me off an email.

Best of Luck,
James

Motivationless Marvin

2006-06-04T18:30:00.000-07:00

"Dear James,

I have ambitions to create an 3D board game which seeks to highlight the cause of the Campensinos of Casas Viejas during their stuggle against monarchism in all its guises. I lack the cardboard, colored penciles and the will to bring my idea to fruition. As a polish fellow once said, I have such a stong will, it does what it wants with me. I am also a shitty speller. How do I overcome my wows?

Sincerely Motivationless Marvin"

Dear Marvin,

Motivation is a tricky field. There are thousands of books, videos and professional speakers out there putting forward advice on how to motivate yourself. Experts often argue about whether this material is designed to fail in order to maintain the market, or whether it just fails out of the incompetence of the creators. this debate is however, largely academic as there is really only one rule you need to remember when it comes to motivation;

It is easier to motivate others than to motivate yourself.

Seems obvious doesn't it? A very intuitive concept when you compare all the work currently being done in the world to the work that you yourself do on a daily basis. Other people, it would seem, are doing just about everything that needs to be done (and so very much more). Before you begin trying to harness this seemingly endless supply of other people's labor you should keep in mind a few caveats...

First, be aware that while the world at large may work harder than you, the majority of this effort is being produced by third world countries. Unless you're willing to travel this means you'll have to be selective about who you choose to do your labor. Choose poorly and you may be spending more time on pep talks and threats than you ever would doing the game yourself.

Second, you need to look at why you want to create this game. If you just want a game about some obscure historical reference in which to play then there shouldn't be a problem. Whoever makes the game for you will likely let your play it (or be too busy to notice you copy it). If, however, you're looking for fame and fortune you may run into trouble. Again, because of the lack of access to third world laborers you may end up with someone that wants credit and monetary rewards for their effort. You can try to screen these types out, but unfortunately this 'sense of entitlement' pervades most every level of our culture, creating excessive, and in some of the worst cases, fair requirements of compensation to our working class. If you are unable to find someone willing to forego giving you all the credit and financial rewards for the game in exchange for a few peanuts you may consider an alternate option. Try simply stealing their idea once they've completed most of the work. Change one or two things and publish the game before they can. If you beat them to the punch their game gets classified as a knock-off, and while it may sell better than yours the intelligentsia of the gaming community will be firmly committed to supporting your version through words (though not by deed).

...

Of course if you really wanted to shoot for fame and fortune you'd entitle it "American Wife Swapper Survivor-Idol," changing up a few of the details of the game. Don't worry about an overhaul of the game dynamics as the type of people that buy this version probably won't notice anything so subtle.

Regardless of what you decide you can get some pencils and other materials at your local (insert future sponsoring organization here) for (insert price here).

Best of Luck,
James

PNTSD Penguin

2006-05-26T21:42:00.000-07:00

"Dear James:

After extensive therapy, I have found that each and every one of my woes from adulthood can be traced back to the fact that my childhood wasn’t traumatic enough. In fact, the only true hardship I had to endure was that my parents refused to buy me Cookie Crisp Cereal as a child and that I grew up in a town of 2,500 people in rural Oregon. There was no abusive bleating about the use of wire hangers, no being locked in a closet with religious figures—there wasn’t even a good, solid lost-in-the-woods kind of moment. As my therapist has now fled to Argentina due to my using her for a cover for my international lint-smuggling activities, I must now know: How do I approach my parents and discuss with them how damaging this utter lack of trauma really was?

--Post-Non-Traumatic Stress Disorder Penguin"

Dear Penguin,

I want you to know that I feel your pain. Within our culture overcoming adversity has become such a staple of our heroes and role models that imagining an admirable individual without this all-pervading experience seems very difficult. What then does this mean for those of us that come from reasonably stable households, and have little experience with abject pain or misery? This is a question that many people all over the world ask themselves every day. The uncertainty and despair that arises can often lead to a bitter loathing like the one you must feel for your parents, the people ultimately responsible for your predicament.

Unfortunately modernization of our society has worked at cross-purposes to confuse this issue. As the media became more and more focused around marketing man's problems to the masses it created an ever increasing expectation of depraved and emotionally crippling experiences for us to aspire to. At the same time, however, organized resistance to this "character building" began to mount. Child services was established, child labor laws were passed, and trained psychologists took over the process of teaching parenting skills from the tried and true Old Wive's Tale of yore.

But I digress...

The problem with confronting your parents about the crippling normality you were raised with could very well make things even worse. There is a possibility that, against all good sense, they will act supportive and understanding of the woes you're experiencing. Needless to say this will just about kill any chance you have of ever reaching the angst neccessary to become accepted as worthwhile and interesting within our society. Instead of risking this you should avoid the matter with them entirely. Allow your bitterness to fester for some good while. Bitterness is well known to warp perspective to a more mainstream pessimism. This will allow you to better interact with the role-models the media would provide you, as well as serve as your muse while you try to reinvent your life and background to further your life goals.

Once you've allowed your bitterness to consume your heart and mind you're going to need a test audience to assess whether the adversity you imagined for yourself was sufficient to make your life worthwhile. A good test may be to tell stories of your new perspective on your own childhood at the local pub or bar. Once you've tested your angst on the unsuspecting drunkards you're going to have to eventually move on to a more official means of assessing the value of your angst. Currently the best known way to determine your personal adversity value is by filling out scholarship applications. This process will actually assign a monetary value to the strife you imagined you've experienced. This monetary value is reffered to by experts as "Lifetime Channel Value." You may treat this LCV as functionally equivalent to an androgynous penile measurement.

If after all of this self-inflicted bitterness and angst you were unable to attain a sufficient LCV size to show your face in the locker room, buck up! There are plenty of examples of people with small LCVs that went on to do great (or at least almost marginal) things. For instance, almost reknowned US president Calvin Coolidge was known both for his very small LCV and for being the only person of his station to spend his entire term doing absolutely nothing. Or take William Ratnel, a man that once appeared briefly as an extra next to Bill Murray in a scene cut out of Ghostbusters II. Finally, who could forget Lisa Macintire who works as a maid for a New York SUPER 8 hotel.

Take inspiration from these fine people, and understand that if you follow your heart you'll be less likely to suffer the sudden and lethal coronary consequences of choosing a path separate from that of your heart!

Best of Luck,
James

Befuddled about Birthday

2006-05-23T21:06:00.000-07:00

"Dear James,

A friend of mine invited me to his birthday party recently. He seemed really excited, and wanted me there. I didn't write it down, so I forgot about it and didn't go! I heard about it after it was over, and felt terrible! (Not to mention that I was looking forward to it.) Now, sending a belated birthday card seems even more cruel, like I was planning to not attend. But I also don't want to call, it seems too informal (and embarrassing!) What is an appropriate way to let my friend know that I care?

Thanks,
Befuddled about Birthday"

Dear Befuddled,

Much like a continuous dosage of dapsone, proper etiquette can often seem like an enormous pain to maintain. It will often interrupt conversations, making social interaction a painfully slow and awkward affair. It requires constant attendance and will use up much of your free time as you commit to often inconvenient schedules, and finally it will often leave a nasty aftertaste in your mouth.

However etiquette, like dapsone, plays a vital role in our social relationships. Perhaps not as vital as a functioning set of limbs and internal organs, but nonetheless its importance should not be underestimated. It allows you such important and enjoyable social activities as; assignment of disdain and stigma, fishing for compliments, and (if you're into such a thing) making your presence more enjoyable to others. You'll also find that a reputation for good etiquette provides a larger closet for which to keep your collection of skeletons.

Despite all these wonderful trade-offs sometimes we, as human beings, just bungle things all to hell. In these situations it is imperative to have some methods available to cut your losses to a minimum. Here are three good options for covering your hindquarters after this faux pas:

1) Find a Scapegoat: One of the most relied upon methods of maintaining one's status within a community is to assign responsibility for anything that might besmirch your image to a sacrificial lamb. Ideally this lamb will be completely oblivious to its status and thus unable to defend itself. This strategy may present some difficulty if, such as in your situation, you must assign blame for both missing the event and failing to alert your host that you wouldn't be coming. Keep in mind that because of this dual-fault status you may find yourself needing two scapegoats.

2) Apologize without conceding blame: One of the chief weaknesses with apologies in the social arena are the few stubborn holdouts within our society that insist on conceptualizing apologies as a genuine display of repentance. If your host is one such throw-back it may be necessary for you to give your apology special phrasing to emphasize its modern definition as a polite, but ultimately substanceless gesture. I suggest using a generic form letter to get this message across. Write your host's name in a different color ink to emphasize the nature of your apology as a pleasantry rather than anything sincere and meaningful. Altneratively you may consider a phone call using a recorded message with the subject's name said in a deep male voice, your own voice used for the rest of the message. Either way avoid mentioning the specifics of the incident. Otherwise you may be implicated by your acknowledgement of any specific details. Remember; let ambiguity be your shield.

3) Rewriting History: This strategy is particularly appropriate if there was a significant quantity of alcohol at the party. If the situation of the party was chaotic enough then you may be able to insist that you in fact attended the affair and were forgotten about. If you wish to risk it, you may even pretend umbrage at being forgotten. For this method to work you will need to do some research on key events occurring at the party that you can mention in your claims. You should also try to bribe a few cohorts that attended into supporting your story. Even if the host doubts your revisionist depictions of events, over time with continual repetition he will either forget such doubts, or just drop the matter entirely.

Regardless of which route you choose to take, remember that what's most important is maintaining your social status, not actually making amends.

With that in mind,

Best of Luck,
James

Wants to Glitter

2006-05-16T23:36:00.000-07:00

"Dear James,

I find that I am not one of the shiny happy people (holding hands). Sometimes I find shiny people and they can make me kind of shiny too but I am not my own (in and of myself) shiny person. I tend to be a social outcast and easily ignorable. I need my own personhood - my own shiny happy personhood. Can you tell me how to achieve this goal? Though cloaked in cutsie language, it's really a deep aching mediocre feeling I have.

Signed,
Wants to Glitter"

Dear Glitterbug,

I have done a not insignificant amount of research on the upbeat or "Sparkly" personality types, interviewing several to discover the source of their persistent euphoria. At first I began by attempting to interview them, but I found I was consistently distracted by an onslaught of glitter, giggles, and severe toothaches. Adopting a new strategy I managed to purloin an important looking piece of paper from one of their trapper-keepers. The paper scrap was littered with more hearts and smileys than I'd ever seen in one place, and at the very center was an address located somewhere in the Himalayas. I kept the piece of paper with me for many days while I tried to discover the source of the glitterbug's power, but to no avail (though this possibly could have been because I was distracted by TNT rerunning Sex and the City from the beginning). With no other options available to me I chartered a trip to the Himalayas and set forth on my quest.

The trip was long and arduous, and while I won't go into the story of my adventures here, I will recommend against feeding mountain goats used prophylactics. Strongly recommend against.

Reaching the summit of the 34th highest peak in the Himalayas I saw a stick hut decorated with tanned goatskin hearts. As I approached a short crone covered in glitter emerged from the structure. Upon her head perched a pair of novelty cat ears. I assumed it likely that this was some sort of glitterbug wise-woman, but I needed proof. I reached up and belligerently knocked the cat ears into a nearby snow drift. In retrospect this may have been a bit impulsive, but I was rewarded with the proof I sought: A hacking giggle and an exclamation of "White boy so silly." Then she kicked me in the crotch. I realized immediately that this old woman was the one I'd been seeking.

... Well, not immediately, but after I woke up. Apparently glitterbugs are not restricted by their age in heeled boot selection.

Anyhow, here is the wisdom I garnered from her before I had to be rushed to an emergency dentist appointment to deal with rapid tooth rot:

1) Being a shiny happy person is not something you can just "pick up." You need a mentor, or "sensei" that can teach you the ins and outs of the glitterbug social archetype. They should be able to instruct you on everything from mundane considerations (which stores sell the clingiest glitter) all the way up to the highly spiritual ponderances within the lifestyle (which stores sell the clingiest glitter).

2) Once you learn the basics you'll need to engage in a strict training regime to ready your mind and body for your new life outlook. This process will involve learning to put a spin on all occurrences that is at once both cute and positive. For example: "Oh, your grandmother just died? That's wonderful! Now all the cute baby maggots will have someplace to laugh and play." You'll also need to maintain a proper diet. While coffee may seem like a good idea, providing you with a steady supply of energy to bounce about with, recent research has shown that stimulants can heighten social awareness, causing an overload sensation that increases introversion. Ideally you want something that dulls your social awareness to nearly autistic levels while simultaneously providing you with a constant supply of energy. The standard glitterbug diet tends to consist of heavy doses of both sugar and alcohol. Keep in mind that when you're taking in the sugar you need to absorb as much as possible directly through your lips rather than allowing it to run through your digestive system. This will speed your body's ability to draw energy from it which will provide you a real sugar high, as opposed to the imaginary ones that research suggests standard sugar consumption causes.

3) Finally, learn to control your environment. Stop exposing yourself to things that you can't possibly put an adorably endearing spin on. Don't read or watch the news, and make sure you carry enough glitter to douse "Grumpy Gus" type characters you encounter. Always remember; pessimism, like optimism, requires a sustained act of willful ignorance in order to maintain itself.

I hope you've found this to be helpful, and I'm sure whosoever you choose to mentor you in the glitterbug arts can expound further on this advice.

Best of luck,
James

Pissed and Penniless

2006-05-12T22:56:00.000-07:00

"Dear James,

Long ago I was robbed of five cents by my big brother. I remember the event clearly because it is indeed the first event I can remember. While sitting on the stairs, playing with my dime the devil came up behind me and engaged me in conversation about his nickel. He proceeded to convince me that his nickel was of greater value than my dime and through his treachery I was convinced to exchange. This event has weighed heavily on my psyche, and scared every interaction I have had ever with everyone since. Based on my calculations of 5 cents, invested in 1985 at a reasonable interest rate (8%) compounded daily (not counting leap years) I could be almost 24 cents richer. I am currently unemployed, while my brother makes a generous hourly wage, should he pay me back??

Sincerely,
Pissed off and Penniless"

Dear Pissed,

Sometimes when times are tough its easy to blame others for our situation. As everyone knows the easiest path is always the best, it is obvious you have procceeded wisely in laying the blame for your financial troubles on your brother rather than your state of unemployment. What you need to consider now, however, is that if you go out and gain restitution for the crime committed against you, you may end up having to shoulder the psychological burden of your problems yourself. This could lead to predicaments such as: needing to take responsibility for your life, obligatory guilt, and possibly even chronic employment. Furthermore, without such hardships you may find that pity is a far more difficult commodity to attain from your friends and acquaintences. Mooching may also become nearly impossible, particularly in conjunction with employment.

...

However, it is twenty four cents. That kind of money can be hard to pass up. If you decide that all of the problems listed above are worth the prospect of having nearly an additional quarter in your pocket, be careful. This brother of yours fooled you once, he may try to do it again. You should consider stashing all of your valuable possessions somewhere that you won't be able to access them for a while. Myself, I have had good success with a holding institution that has proven to be very secure. If this solution appeals to you send your valuables to the following address:

James' Palace of Wisdom,
1979 NW Some Street,
Philomath Or, 97370

Best of Luck,
James

Nasal Frucose

2006-04-25T22:25:00.000-07:00

"Dear James,

Recently it has become fashionable to stick piece of fruit in different parts of my body, according to my unsatisfied girfriend. I choose a banana in the nose. I find the banana to be a great source of pride and very helpful to my self esteem. But it has made social interactions complicated at best. People point, laugh, and some even offer to pull out what they claim to be a booger. What can I do to convince my friends of the validity of my life style choice.

Sincerely,
Katie Booger Calahan"

Dear Katie,

The path to adoption of a cultural paradigm has always been a long, unsteady and sometimes even perilous process. This can be demonstrated by no better example than when the Europeans tried to import the handshake gesture into the Americas. Upon first encountering the attempted gesture the natives of the land naturally assumed they were being challenged to a form of ritual combat known today as "Indian Wrestling", and while there were certainly other factors, no historian to date has denied that this clash of cultural symbology was the primary cause of the genocide that followed.

Such disasters can, however, be avoided with proper attention to established culture-clash etiquette. If you've never heard of culture-clash etiquette, it's a set of rules and procedures by which competing cultures can establish dominance over each other without resorting to genocidal behavior as much. The most important thing to remember when vieing for a place for your new cultural traditions is to assert your victimhood. Note that this is in strong contrast to previous techniques that primarily involved making victims out of competing cultures. You should try arranging to be publicly oppressed by members of the currently dominant paradigm. Being mocked is a good start but to really make your mark try to get ejected from classy restaurants or fired from your job over bodily fruit insertions.

Regardless of how you choose to establish yourself as a victim it should give you the credibility necessary to manufacture a symbology for your tradition. Why do you need a nose-fruit symbology you ask? Can't you just have nose-fruit for the sake of having nose-fruit? Alas, no. Becoming a victim only briefly opens up a window of opportunity for your tradition. After a while people will start to get bored with pitying you and will move on to the three-fingered hobo down the street. Having your nose-fruit symbolize something meaningful for people allows you to hold their attention. Indeed many may even adopt your tradition, spreading word of it to the masses. Remember, people love to stand for poorly defined, abstract ideals as it conveys a sense of nobility that's difficult to challenge. Take advantage of this when developing your ideology by trying to remain vague to present few footholds for any sort of criticism of your followers. Some examples might be "Man's relationship with nature", "The sweetness of humanity," and the tried and true "expression of individuality."

If you keep to these principles of cultural meme development you should have a fair degree of success in quelling direct opposition to your new hobby.

Best of luck,
James

Fed up with sloppy, in OR

2006-04-11T23:57:00.000-07:00

"Dear James ,

I am currently living with my boyfriend (2 years now), and he is a slob. His clothes are always all over the room, and they smell. He doesn't seem to take my needs of having a clean room in consideration. Sometimes we get into tiffs over this matter. What should I do? Please help.

Fed up with sloppy, in OR "

Dear Fed,

Your problem seems to stem from the fact that your boyfriend is clearly a closeted time-capsule enthusiast. His penchance for leaving things around the house clearly comes from the hobby's credo of propagating "clues to how we lived for future generations!"

... Unfortunately your boyfriend isn't actually at all proficient in the proper techniques involved in the hobby. For instance he seems to have forgotten the capsule portion of the time capsule, and has failed to place his leavings in a place likely to be found by future generations rather than, well, you.

Don't be distraught by his apparent incompetence however. This is actually a pretty common problem amongst amateur enthusiasts. You should, as a dutiful girlfriend, try to help him through the confusion he seems to be suffering. However, do not confront him directly about his failure. This may cause discouragement, or even permanent psychological scarring as he realizes the futility of his past efforts. Instead try to demonstrate the proper technique to him by sealing his "attempts" and in airtight containers and burying them in the yard. If all goes well he should learn from your example and progress to the next level of the time-capsule craft. Be aware that he may confront you about your improvements. Try to be calm and understanding when you explain the flaws in his technique. This will be a difficult time for him. Be aware though that many time-capsule purists will deny their affiliation with the hobby in order to help them capture a more realistic and unbiased image of current-day life within their constructions. He may attempt to convince you that his slobishness has no capsule-related motivations. Don't get too upset with these lies for he says them out of love of the craft and pursuit of truth for future generations. You should, however, fight the urge to simply humor his denial. Sometimes we have to learn things in this life the hard way, and the time capsule craft can be a cruel mistress indeed. Simply repeat your demonstrations, explaining to him each time why his capsules need to be sealed away and buried. Eventually he'll come to understand. Or perhaps he'll throw up his hands and take up needlepoint. Either way you should have less mess to deal with.

Best of luck,
James

Tetris Typhoon

2006-04-06T22:46:00.000-07:00

"Dear James,

I fancy myself the second best tetris player in the world, but with the collapse of the Soviet Union and as the 80's keep getting further and further away, the social credibility and respect I gain from my mastery of tetris continues to diminish. Even within my social circle the street cred one gains from tetris is lessening. Gone are the 2001's when people would come from the apartment next door to watch me play. I feel like I could apply my skill to more socially mainstream games like Contra and Bubblebobble, but I am torn because I feel like I am selling out. What should I do?

Tetris Typhoon"

Dear Typhoon,

You're in luck. Resurrecting dormant fads is one of the best researched and valued activities within today's pop-culture market, providing you with a diverse array of methodology to use in pursuit of your personal glory. The field was originally developed as a means of taking economic advantage of people's nostalgia, but has since grown in response to an ever-growing dearth of creativity in the realm of pop-culture. This phenomena has had a useful side-effect of reinvigorating the popularity of key personalities (often actors) involved in the first version of the fad, bestowing upon them at long last another fifteen minutes of fame. You could be one such has-been. Here's what you need to do:

1) Work to artificially stifle creativity in the people around you. One of the greatest enemies to bringing back a fad is the constant competition with newer, shinier ideas. Unfortunately ideas within a small community are much harder to place limitations upon because of their independence from many of the market forces responsible for our media's uniformity. This means you'll have to get creative. Try feeding your social group a steady diet of low protein mush. Research into cult dieting practices has shown that this is highly effective at reducing independent thought within those that didn't die of malnutrition during the studies. Additionally, try to limit novel stimuli. Keep an eye on TV watching habits to make sure the programs are repetitive and lacking of any real substance. While this will not contribute directly to your return to glory, it will keep competing activities to a minimum.

2) Market your fad. Try to make it seem more interesting than it actually is. After all, would you rather rotate blocks into orderly formations or "compete with some of the greatest minds in the world for a chance to win points that will put your name up on the big screen." To steal ideas from previous generations, try to relate your idea to popular cultural icons within your community, ie drug use, sex, rock and roll, etc.... When you discuss your fad make sure to play exciting music to give it that extra edgy quality missing from most block-rotating activities. Finally, if you can manage to get a member of your group with high social status to endorse your idea you could lend an air of respectability to what would otherwise be considered a colossal waste of time.

3) Try ridiculing any competing ideas that slip through the cracks of #1 above. If you did a good job with it then this shouldn't be too difficult as idea's surviving the protein gruel will likely leave much to be desired. Also, those promoting them will likely be unprepared to compete with your marketing scheme, or even rise regularly from their beds. Finally remember; don't be afraid of hypocrisy during this process. The first person to make an accusation gains a social right to it, weakening the position of anyone that "copies" your accusations.

If you follow these tips I can give you my personal guarantee that you will triple your fad's current popularity.

Best of Luck,
James

Wearing Earplugs in Wisconsin

2006-03-26T20:43:00.000-08:00

"Dear James,

There is a woman who walks by my house every morning with her dog. This woman feels the need to yell obscenities at her dog non-stop as she walks very slowly through our neighborhood! This is upsetting for two reasons: 1. She should not be allowed to verbally abuse her dog like that (isn't there some kind of pet abuse law?), and 2. it makes for an unpleasant breakfast on an otherwise nice day. It is driving me crazy, and I have even considered moving out of the neighborhood rather than listen to that angry woman ranting. But I love my home and my neighborhood otherwise! What should I do?

Wearing Earplugs in Wisconsin"

Dear Ear,

What your neighbor is doing is taking advantage of a sometimes overlooked phenomena within our culture whereby senior citizens can commit limited breaches of social etiquette, the severity of such being directly correlated to their age. With this in mind your first course of action should be to determine whether her offensive activities fall within those permitted by her age. Please refer to the chart below:

50-59: This is around when menopause occurs in most women, and as such it has become polite to assume that rude or excessively bellicose behavior is a direct result of it. Nonetheless a female of this age is still a ways off from the adorable/pitiable old lady stereotypes permeating our culture. As such, misbehavior should be limited to the occasional snide remark and rare tantrum. If you're dealing with more than a daily insult or bi-monthly tantrum then you are allowed to dislike and confront them. Note that none of the protections granted by this age category apply to men.

60-69: At this age the government gets involved, officially declaring the person old. They are often no longer required to work and frequently eat more cheaply at restaraunts. Both of these factors lend an official air to the respect and tolerance the elderly may commandeer from society. Additionally, because they leave the workforce at this age the common man's interaction with them decreases. We know less about what they do from day to day, what they think about and so on. This creates an air of mystery, an unknown element in their behavior that gives pause to those who would try to hold them accountable by standard rules of behavior. Here old people gain significantly more leeway in their insult and tantrum allotments, as well as some access to offensively weird behavior such as wearing one's underpants on the outside of one's clothing (around the house at least).

70-79: At this age a person is nearing what is, on average, the end of their life. The average American will live until right around the age of 78. This has created an acceptance by society of socially required compassion towards such individuals. If you encounter somone of this age you are obligated to tolerate outright insane behavior, even if the old person is in public. In addition they have the right to make demands of anyone that makes eye contact with them, so be wary of such. Note that at this age it is also considered rude for reporting them to the authorities for any crime less than a felony.

80-89: These people have cheated death, advancing to a stage in their lives that most of us will never see. It is permissible for those of this age to rob liquor stores, excrete in public, go into your house and use your plasma screen TV... As an ironing board. Don't be too allarmed, as by this age most people have failed to keep track of their advancing social power and rarely excercise the rights granted by this category.

90 and up: There is no realistic boundaries on what is socially acceptable for someone of this age. Fortunately mass genocide is often unfeasible for people of this age due to advancing physical ailments.

With the above in mind you should aproximate the offending party's age and cross-reference it with her socially permissable behavior as indicated. You are probably looking in the 60+ range for what you described. Don't worry too much about ascertaining her precise age, appearances are the only thing that matters for purposes of etiquette.If the woman is not sufficiently senior-citizenish to be tolerated making a potentially offensive daily commotion in the morning hours then you have the right to confront her directly. Unfortunately, she breaches no laws in the verbal abuse of her dog as only physical abuse and neglect of animals are covered by Oregon Law (http://www.animal-law.org/statutes/oregon.htm), so you will likely have to talk to her in person rather than sick the police on her. This confrontation should be handled delicately. Afterall, if she has such little regard for her pet's wellbeing, odds are she couldn't care less about a person she's never met before. If you offend her it may illicit the petty spite of someone with nothing better to do than make your mornings miserable. Instead I suggest a polite exchange of bald-faced lies. Perhaps your father just moved in with you after your mother died. He might sleep in the morning, being easily disturbed and potentially ill if he can't remain in slumber. Just be careful about making up medical conditions while you lie. The elderly sometimes keep themselves very up to date on medical news, and she may see through a ruse involving a disease you know less than her about.

Even if she is sufficiently advanced in years to negate any stigma for ruckus-making, all is not lost. Passive aggression is a time honored technique developed to deal with troublesome, but socially invulnerable individuals. Try setting up a fake crime scene outside your apartment. Alternatively, arrange with your neighbors to "forget" to tie up their larger dog on mornings when she's likely to be by. Pretty much any idea may be attempted as long as it doesn't involve any public criticism of her behavior. If you feel outraged that you would have to go through such rigmarole, I'm afraid the only other solution is to commit a social faux pas, and even though this would be far easier, less time consuming, safer and all around superior I'm restricted from suggesting any course of action that is not "socially justifiable" by my status as an advice columnist. Just keep in mind that someday you too will be old.

Best of Luck,
James

Desperate in Detroit

2006-03-26T20:42:00.000-08:00

"Dear James,

My life is a mess. Fix it.

Signed,
Desperate in Detroit"

Dear Desperate,

Alright, all fixed. It should blow now just like it was manufactured to.

Best of luck,
James

Distraught Loner

2006-03-26T19:17:00.000-08:00

"Dear James,

Anytime I get romantically interested in someone, they always end up either in a relationship or not interested. I remember when I could get anyone I wanted; but now... it's as if I am all alone. I have not changed in appearance, I am the same. I feel as if I'm stuck in a cycle of loneliness. What can I do to break this cycle? How can I finally find someone?

Distraught Loner"

Dear Distraught,

When considering loneliness it is important to understand that its source can be quite a bit more complex than it would first seem. To understand them it is important to figure out where they come from. Fortunately one never has to look far for such answers...

All blame rests on great grand-pappy caveman.

You see, once a long long time ago your great (ad infinitum) grandfather and your great (ad infinitum) granduncle were sitting around a fire inhaling the smoke from their burning refuse as they held a discussion of grunts and gestures. Your uncle, an enlightened homosapien for the time, made the claim that life was a delicate balance of mental, spiritual, and physical well-being. As a result of this philosophy he became a brilliant artist, respected for his capture of the raw energy of antelope being speared by stick figures. He lived a life of contented joy, taking pleasure in all the world had to offer.

Your grandfather on the other hand, was a neurotic mess who's codependent tendencies set him to desperately seek out a mate, his life deprived of any joy without the company of another. As a result he tried to find a girl, any girl, as quickly as he possibly could, entirely unsatisfied with his existence until he succeeded.

Six years later both were trampled by a herd of wild turkeys. Granduncle was still in the process of wooing his one true love from a neighboring tribe, but grandfather had already sired three children to pass down his neurosis genes too. And so did history repeat itself on down to the industrial age.

Now in present day our gene pool is cluttered with the DNA of our forefather's desperation to find a mate before dieing brutal deaths by the age of 22. Meanwhile our lifespans have extended to nearly 80 years with people capable of childbearing well through their thirties, and sometimes into their 60's. An unfortunate truth is that society's mores and values have evolved to fit our present situation much faster than our brain chemistry, leaving us with a social structure that slows intimate contact to a level out of step with our genetic predispositions (though entirely in line with our newly extended lifespans).

This dichotomy leaves us several paths to take in order to mitigate the resulting angst:

1: Adopt the social mores provided to you by your society and slow down your search for companionship to fall more in line with society's new timeline for relationships. This sounds difficult, but keep in mind that our culture has provided us many ways to cope by distracting ourselves with the rampant consumerism that pervades it. The key to this strategy is thus to fill the void in your life with as many material objects as you can, ultimately being forced to get a job (further distracting you) to keep up with a life of glamour, gadgets, and status symbols.

2: Embrace the hyper-dependency of your forefathers and spend all of your waking moments seeking out companionship. This may be difficult if most of those around you aren't haven't made the same choice, so you might have to spend time searching out others with similarly neurotic tendencies, then build an emotional barricade around them to cement their dependency on you. Alternatively, if feasible, use a physical barricade. For instance you might even try scouting the trauma ward of your local hospital for boys unable to leave their rooms without assistance.

3: Finally, you can combine these two strategies, searching out companionship even as you focus some of your time and energy into other pursuits. While this may be the least overall satisfying option, it does protect against the potential consequences of massive debt and social withdrawal, or becoming socially dysfunctional and unable to live in any meaningful way without male companionship.

I suggest that you eventually try out all of these options in order to see which fits you the best.

Best of luck,
James

Perplexed Plant Owner

2006-03-04T20:58:00.000-08:00

"Dear James,

My significant other talks to houseplants occasionally. From what I learned in biology classes in the past, plants do not have ears. But is it possible that they can understand on some other level? I am rather scientifically-oriented and haven't tried talking to a plant, but I have heard of studies showing greater plant growth after classical music is played nearby compared to plants that are exposed to heavy metal or no music. Maybe certain sound vibrations are soothing to them? I am puzzled.

Sincerely,
Perplexed Plant Owner"

Dear Perplexed,

What you need to do first and foremost is to size up exactly what the problem with this situation is. Now most advice columnists will encourage you to look outwards, to decipher whether any aspect of the environment offers a threat to your wellbeing. This is balderdash. The real source of all our problems is our own perceptions of the circumstances we're faced with. Sure, we could be hit by a truck as we're standing in the center of the street, but that's really only a problem if we define death as problematic, right? Right.

So the way I see it you have two choices on what you want your problem to be;

1: Your boyfriend talks to plants.

2: Your boyfriend talks to plants instead of playing classical music for them.

To understand the ideal issue you wish to be burdened with it is important to understand how you perceive the world in relation to yourself. Do you have difficulty making sense of people's motivations? Do off-kilter remarks regularly leave you baffled? This sort of disconnect from others can be deftly eliminated by assigning stigma to the sources of your confusion. "They're weird, maybe a little crazy and probably need to be medicated." Tada! The problem has been externalized, and now others are obligated to do the work of solving it.

Shifting the guilt for your confusion isn't the only reason to wag you finger however. Some people find stimatizing others as insane to be a very rewarding experience, boosting their own ego and shoring up potential insecurities. You may even find some sympathy by making your significant other out as "That crazy person that talks to plants" to your friends, family and, best of all, acquaintances who have never actually met him.

On the other hand maybe your primary concern is the growth of the plant itself. Perhaps you're a plant lover, or maybe the plant in question produces a consumable of particular value to you (fruit, a favorite veggie, marijuana). Regardless the reason, if you decide that the plant's health is of greater significance than investigating your S.O.'s potentially burgeoning schizophrenia then you need to look into convincing him/her to Perform classical music in the stead of speaking. This may require you to get an in depth understanding of your SO's psychology so that you can properly manipulate him into taking the time to develop sufficient skills to play a wide variety of instruments simultaneously. Note that you should probably only choose this as a problem if either you are an overachiever, or if you have your SO wrapped around your pinky finger.

Whichever you choose I wish you good luck, and remember: What circumstances we choose to transform into problems in our lives should always be chosen based on the opportunities they present us.

Hope this helps,
James

Worried in Edinburgh

2006-03-02T23:06:00.000-08:00

"Dear James,

I think my pet cat is trying to kill me. He used to be such a happy, fluffy kitten, but recently I have found him staring at me hatefully, and once as I prepared to descend the stairs, I saw him stood at the top, surrounded by marbles. I'm terrified to go to sleep - I think he might claw my eyes out or piss in my mouth. I don't want to have to have him put down. What can I do?

Worried in Edinburgh"

Dear Worried,

While I don't personally own any pets, nor do I have any significant knowledge of animal psychology, I have researched in some depth the cultural expectations regarding dispensing advice on pet behavior. As it turns out it is entirely acceptable to simply anthropomorphize the pet's actions and deal with the situation as if the pet were a human child. With this in mind I suggest you imagine your pet as a rebellious teenager lashing out at her overbearing parents (you). Once you've done this try to evaluate any shift in your emotional response to your pet's behavior. do you feel a false sense of empathy for your cat's supposed confusion and general angst? Do you feel the urge to obsessively nurture and emotionally smother the feline? If you don't then try imagining your cat as a progressively younger and younger human child until you do. If you reach the fetus stage and still feel nothing then you probably hate kids anyways and you're better off just picturing your cat as a less psychotic version of herself. At any rate, once you reach the "doting mother" stage you should be sufficiently separated from reality that you can proceed without guilt.

Now to deal with the murderous intent issue. Fortunately for parents like you, the culturally acceptable means for dealing with emotionally disturbed (or annoying) children has gotten progressively less and less labor intensive over the years until, at last, we come to the solution of the modern day: Drug 'em.

So how do you find good pet drugs? Honestly you really shouldn't bother. Even if they existed they would be only a temporary solution to your problems. Just use booze. Given time and persistence, enough booze should cause the requisite brain damage to permanently return your cat to the sweet, lovable stupidity of kittenhood, solving both the cuteness and psychosis problems with a single, alcohol-laden stone.

Hope this helps,
James

Flipped Off in Florida

2006-02-27T18:36:00.000-08:00

"Dear James,

I have several friends from other countries, and they keep on pointing at things with their middle fingers. I haven't gotten up the guts yet to tell them that this is a very rude gesture in this country. Should I tell them, or should I wait for them to figure it out on their own?

Sincerely,
Flipped-off in Florida"

Dear Flipped,

Since as far back as the 1800's it has been a tradition within these United States to mislead foreigners as to the proper social customs of the realm. Historians widely believe that, like most US traditions, this began in a tavern as a bit of drunken mischief. Here (http://convenienthistoricaldocuments.com) we would have been able to see the very first incidence of this; Joe Jack, a railway worker telling a Chinese immigrant about the American custom of picking one's nose before they shake hands with a superior caputured in full yellow and black color. However due to the recent reclassification project (http://www.fcw.com/article92436-02-27-06-Print) these documents are no longer available due to their threat to national security, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

This running joke at the expense of our immigrant population has since flourished in popularity, spreading laughter and gaity from coast to coast, and eventually climbing the social ladder past its blue-collar beginings. Unfortunately the growing popularity of this "in" joke has lead to a disturbing trend: With everyone involved in the set-up, there's no dupe to deliver the punch line. So now we have scenarios, like the one you are encountering, whereby a foreigner is allowed to continue with their faux-pas behavior indeffinetly with all of us making the assumption that at some point a white (preferably upper class) person will be horribly shocked by their behavior. Of course since the joke is universal this never happens!

With this in mind there's really only one thing you can do; Have children and do not, under any circumstances, clue them in on the joke. Breed them with a good understanding of proper social behavior along with an expectation of it. Then, someday decades down the line when your foreign friends are still flipping people off, there will be some (hopefully upper class) white people to become shocked and aggrieved at their behavior. Then, finally, we can all have a laugh at their expense.

Hope this helps,
James

Desperately Seeking Shiba

2006-02-20T17:05:00.000-08:00

"Dear Advicefromjames@hotmail.com,

I'm looking for a Shiba Inu breeder in the Oregon area, perhaps you could direct me to where I can acquire a red Shiba girl of 10 weeks and a feisty, but sweet disposition.

Desperately Seeking Shiba"

Dear Seeking,

I've found that one thing that works for me when I can't get ahold of someone, either because they don't answer my calls or because I'm just to lazy to find a phone book, is to file missing-person reports with the police. Usually I'll get a call from them within a few days with little to no effort. Unfortunately the police may become suspicious if you file a report entitled "Missing, Oregonian Shiba Inu breeder." They may also want a locale where they should be looking, and well, if you knew that you probably wouldn't be asking me how to find them. However this strategy is not wholely useless. Get on the internet and find a picture of a shiba inu you'd like to own. Then file an ad in the paper entitled "Missing puppy!" using the picture. This is a relatively inexpensive way to get a shot at a free puppy.

If you're looking for more of a sure thing then what you truly need is a way to track down a breeder in a reliable and money-back guaranteed manner. One of the best ways to do this that I've found (through watching TV) is to hire a private detective. The detectives with the cool nicknames seem to be by far the most effective, willing to break noses and "mix it up" to find you the person you want. According to my research they're also usually desperate for a job as they tend to have severe alcohol abuse and hygiene issues that prevent them from getting steady work despite their competence.

Now of course finding one such PI in this day and age might seem a tricky endeavor, but with modern technology I think you'll find it not as hard as you imagine. Just as an experiment I decided to type in a random profession and locale to see if I could find information related to the subjects. Entirely out of the blue I pulled "Shiba Inu breeder Oregon" and came up with the following:

Morningstar River Shibas Joan Morningstar Grants Pass, OregonPh: 541-660-6000 mailto:joni@terragon.com http://www.morningstarshibas.com/ Ships within the USA and Canada.

Now if that strategy works for something as ridiculously random as "Shiba Inu breeders" then I'm sure you should have no trouble finding "Dirty out of work Private Detectives."

At any rate, good luck on your search! And if you do find a good PI could you refer them to me? I have a booky that owes me money who's conveniently disappeared.

WOWed in Wisconsin

2006-02-19T23:50:00.000-08:00

"Dear James,

My girlfriend says I have an unhealthy addiction to World of Warcraft and that online friends aren't "real" friends. She has even threatened to leave me if I don't stop playing so much. But I think it's fun and find it socially satisfying. What should I do?

Signed,
WOWed in Wisconsin"

Dear WOWed,

Your girlfriend is correct. There are a number of significant differences between online friends and real friends. The most important two are that your real friends will frequently borrow your things for long periods of time, and ask you to do things for them that require real and significant effort. Meanwhile your online friends can't borrow anything from you, and if they ask you to do something it will almost invariably involve playing more World of Warcraft. In this sense they're actually better than real friends in almost every way that counts. Kind of like superfriends, only they don't say things like "Wonder twin powers activate!" which can only be considered a good thing. In this sense you should guard them hawkishly against their own real-life intrusions by encouraging them to miss important real world social functions so as to break their ties with those that would interfere with your gaming habits. Once you have builts up this metaphorical wall of social abandonment too keep your online friends constantly availble you will be free to do the same should you so choose.

That said, you may not have too. Often times people will try to phrase life-choices for you in terms of an "either, or" statement. Almost invariably both options are disadvantageous to you in some way. In order to truly live the lifestyle we want to live it is important to find loopholes in these mandated presentations of decisions that will allow us to have our cake and eat it too. To do this we need to have a comprehensive understanding of the person setting up this dichotomy.

And on to the list...

Step 1: Know thy girlfriend.

Likely, if you've had this girlfriend for a while you've established some sort of wheedling factor. What's a wheedling factor you ask? It's the length of time you can vocally appease her without actually doing anything. From the size of her wheedling factor you should be able to derive a sense of how committed she is to making you do things. Ideally you've attracted a mate of an equivalently lackadaisal attitude towards the world as yourself, and she will quickly forget her threat as she realizes she might actually have to put effort into carrying it out. Unfortunately things in this world are rarely ideal. If there is an honest threat that you may have to actually do something move on to step 2.

Step 2: Money makes the world go round.

All relationships between people are ultimately mercantile in nature. Romantic relationships tend to focus excessively on the trade of emotional goods rather than material, so if you want time with your warcraft you'll need to collect some emotional currency (EC) to trade to your girlfriend. One of the easiest types of currency to parlay into this sort of gain is guilt (it's like the Euro of emotional currency). Has your girlfriend recently done something she regrets? Has she done it to you? Then you've got some EC to spend. Just bring up that story about your girlfriend eating your last scoop of chocolate ice cream last night as an "amusing anecdote" when you sense that she's about to bring up your gaming habits. Be careful not to overspend the same currency though or you could be in trouble. You'll need a wide range of events to gather enough EC to make this sort of thing last for any significant period of time, so keep an eye out and make sure you learn how to properly play the victim to inflate your EC's value.

Sidenote: If you ever catch your girlfriend cheating on you then congratulations, you now get to play Warcraft whenever you like. Just don't go and blow your new EC on something lame like one night with a hooker.

Step 3: Leveling your characters with a web of deceit.

This one is fairly straight forward. Simply hide your habit from your girlfriend underneath an acceptable pretext. Can you play at work? Do so. Careful about this though, as if you earn an hourly wage your girlfriend may well expect you to be earning more money and spending some of it on her! You should be able to supplement your income by goldfarming, all you need is the proper WoW blackmarket connections. Talk to Gnotty the Gnome on frostbane, he'll set you up. If you can't play at work then you may have to take drastic measures. Start acting possessive and emotionally controlling around your girlfriend's friends and relatives. Not too much, just a little bit. If you're lucky they'll try to keep your girlfriend from being sealed away from her friends by your abusive tendencies through a continuous series of interventions and "girl's night outs". This should buy you a few hours a week of uninterrupted gaming. Finally, try getting your girlfriend addicted to some other time-consuming habit like you are.

At any rate, good luck. The world (of warcraft) needs dedicated gamers like you to keep it active and fun! You're a good man WoWed in Wisconsin, a good man.

Birdless in Boston

2006-02-18T21:22:00.000-08:00

"Dear James,

I read your advice about pet ownership and dumped my boyfriend to spend more time with my parakeet. But yesterday Tweety flew the coop, and several hours later I received a call from someone having found him. And who do you think it was? My ex! It turns outTweety liked him better. What should I do?

Signed,
Birdless in Boston"

Dear Birdless,

Much like humans, animals have the capacity to form unhealthy relationships that work to the detriment of the psychology that we imagine they have. As a model type-A petowner you should remember that you need to maintain the delusion that pet's are just like human children, and will frequently need to have their behavior corrected for their own good. Without this firmly in mind you run the risk of developing a more normal (and thus far less fulfilling) relationship with your pet.

With this in mind you should project onto Tweety an anthrocentric idealization of what's going on to properly fit into your newly adopted worldview. Because I like lists here are some potential suggestions;

1: Pretend that tweety is like a young child that wants to live with her abusive father after a divorce.

Children, like birds, have brains only slightly more functional than walnuts, and will frequently make poor decisions based on strong emotions that they don't understand. This particular delusion will provide you the opportunity to play the martyr, suffering horendously for the good of your pet who doesn't appreciate what you're doing for him. This will further strengthen your bond with him, and allow you to justify padlocking the cage and throwing away the key so he doesn't "harm himself" again.

2: Treat your bird as a lost lover who cheated on you.

Birds are, by definition, very flighty creatures. While they may sing your praises today, some hobo with a bit of dead worm could quickly become their new best friend tomorrow. Look at this as an oppurtunity to play the betrayed lover, who lays about wallowing in the gentle caress of unending waves of self-pity. This will set you up to have an even deeper and more dependent relationship with your next pet as you relate to the poor unfortunate creature how Tweety broke your heart time and time again. If you're more the passive type then this option is probably better than option 1 as it doesn't require you to do much (maybe get out of bed once to pick up a new bird).

3: Wrath of the the lover spurned!

Are you an energetic, passionate and easily angered type of person? Then this option is for you. This situation is of course, like in all the other delusions, everyone's fault but your own and you're going to make them all pay. Go on a diet of strictly bird meat for the next few months, relishing every morsel as you imagine that filthy tramp of a songbird roasting over an open fire. Also, don't forget that your ex was ultimately responsible for your betrayal as well. Use the key to his appartment you haven't returned yet and plant bestial pornographic material, ideally involving birds. Then fantasize about his friends and new gf finding the hidden trove of sleeze and drawing their own conclusions about his "darling little bird".

I think you'll find that one of these suggestions is ideal for your temperment and situation. Remember though that a consistent set of delusions is very important to maintaining the steady imput of emotional angst neccessary to keep your likely dull and uninteresting life meaningful. This means you need to make the delusion you choose fit with all those that your previously held, so keep that in mind for your choice.

Best of luck,
James

Advice Needed

2006-02-15T14:56:00.000-08:00

"Dear James,

I want a hedgehog, but I am not sure I can take care of a pet. What should I do?

Thanks,
Kathy"

Well Kathy, in considering what to do about your problem you should first look inward to see if you're the sort of person that could provide the love, care, and food that all pets need to survive. Well, in truth pets tend to only need the food from that list to actually survive so if all else fails make sure you can provide that.

So how do you know if you're the sort of person that can take care of a pet? Well let's take a look at the ideal pet owner. This sort of person keeps their pet constantly in mind during all their daily activities, never allowing themselves to get overly distracted by the little things in life if it means that their pet will be deprived of the attention it desires. This person always prioritizes their pet's well-being above all else and is able to form a deep emotional bond with their pet. Now how do you know if you can do this if this will be your first pet? Easy, there are actually four easily identified characteristics of such a person that can be detected even prior to actually seeing them with an animal.

1: You are, yourself, starved for affection and attention.

One of the best ways to make sure you're constantly committed to your pet is to size up your ability to form codependent relationships. Have you had abusive boyfriends, problems with addiction, or overbearing parents? Great! You have just the sort of psychology to obsess over the well-being of an animal that may or may not develop any reciprocal attachment. You're on your way to being a Type A petowner (ie old cat-lady).

2: Lonliness is a motivator like no other.

Other interpersonal relationships will almost invariably dilute what you have with your pet. In this vein you want to carefully assess whether your connections with people are so strong that you may end up neglecting your new best friend. For instance do you have a boyfriend you actually like? If so then be careful, you might end up lost in your SO's beautiful turquoise eyes as your little critter, having just hidden beneath the couch cusions, suffocates beneath his gorgeous musculur hunk of a body. Note that actually being in a codependent relationship not only negates the benefit of criteria #1, but it's actually worse for your pet. So if you do fulfill criteria #1 make absolutely sure you also meet criteria #2.

3: We are all slaves to market forces.

At some point in your life you're going to have to deal with the fact that every little thing you've ever wanted will, in some way, tie in to your personal finances. For pets this is even more true. You need to be able to feed and safely house your pet, of course, but don't forget that vet bills can be tremendous. This little fact comes from the tendency for vets to actually want to make money off your dear little darling's health! I know what you're thinking, the nerve of these people! Why don't they cure your pet for the pure love of animals? As it turns out some animal lovers are actually opposed to living in cardboard boxes. If you're one such individual, be careful, you'll need a sizable income as a windfall in case your little schnookums gets sick. Ideally, of course, you'll be willing to live on the street in order to support your pet.

4: Do you already have a bigger pet?

As it turns out, some animals can be a little territorial. Also, some can just be hungry. For this reason it is very important to only get pets of the same general size as all previous pets you own. This way, when they fight to the death, you'll know the survivor was the one that cared about you the most (and not just the biggest).

So what if you don't have the psychological instability neccessary to become a type A petowner? Well, you may be suitable to be a second-tier pet owner if you can reliably care for and feed your pet when neccessary. Know, however, that you'll be pretty low on the social hierchy of petowners and that the old cat-lady down the street will probably be peering past her curtains at you in disdain.

Hope this helps Kathy!

Arguments Without Evidence

2006-02-14T21:42:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, no matter how smart we may be, no matter how witty and wise, we end up in an argument with someone in which we have chosen what amounts to the wrong side. Maybe we didn't have all the evidence when we took our position, maybe we chose to ignore it, but whatever the reason we've all been in situations where we're just empirically wrong about what we're saying.

Many people will tell you that when it becomes evident that you've lost an argument you should try and bow out gracefully, admit you were wrong and move on with your life.
Beware these people, for they are cunning indeed.

Let me assure you, this is all some sort of long-reaching diabolical plot to obscure the purpose of argument and gain undeserved victory in situations because of the irrelevant issue of "accuracy" and "correctness." A true connoisseur of arguments understands that these concepts have no place in true honest-to-goodness debate. If we wanted to try and establish an accurate picture of reality we would just swap facts and hold off on conclusions until everything was out in the open. As everyone knows, this is not how arguments are run! This is because the goal of an argument is not to reach the "correct" conclusion amongst both people, but to vie for position in a social hierchy. So with this in mind it is important to be able to win these contests of will even when our, let's say "footing," is a little off-ballance. Here are some techniques I commonly use in such positions;

1: Straw man argument: This one is absolute classic and used by rhetorists the world over. It involves either finding, or even creating, a proponent of the opposing side of an issue with terrible and obvious flaws both in their rationale and their personal character, and then verbally pounding the hell out of this universally acknowledged deserving target. The implication in this process is that anyone that supports the opposing side also supports this horrible or stupid individual.

An example might be "You shouldn't drive German cars! Did you know Hitler drove those pieces of crap?"

2: Subtly alter positions: Does your opponent have a better position than you? That's not really fair. Make him take a new position by subtly twisting his words to support something similiar but not actually equivalent to his original position. Also do this to yourself to give yourself stronger footing in the discussion.
Example: "So what you're saying is German cars /never/ break down? Hah, that's a laugh! What I've been saying this entire time is that people over-rate german cars, and they do break down occassionally."

3: Demand Evidence That Isn't Worth Gathering: Infallibly prooving a position takes a lot of effort. In day to day discourse we usually don't demand that people proove things beyond a shadow of a doubt, just that they offer enough evidence to demonstrate superiority over alternatives. In arguments though often people assume that the stakes are much higher and that even though the argument will have no importance outside the immediate moments it is happening, that the positions each person takes should be supported with enough evidence to give a person the death penalty. You should be one such person making this assumption.
Example: "I want you to bring me a German car, take it appart, and prove that it's parts are more durable than an American car!"

4: God You're Obsessed!: If all else fails, if your opponent is out faux-logicing you at ever turn, minimize the importance of the argument. This shouldn't be hard as most of the things we argue about aren't actually that important, but the key with this one is to make sure you do it first! And make sure you go off on a huge tirade about how your opponent has blown everything out of proporition and is making a big deal about nothing so that they can't deny it. Remember to use this as a last resort, however, as it's not worth as many points as actually winning an argument straight-up.

Example: "Geez, it's not like I'm even buying a car anytime soon. Why the hell are you so worked up over German cars anyhow? Christ! Take a chill pill."

I think you'll find these techniques very useful, and indeed you may well find yourself climbing to such esteemed status that no one will feel worthy of talking to you anymore, and that ladies and gentlemen is the true power of the spoken word!

My First Advice

2006-02-14T21:36:00.000-08:00

Just to get things rolling, here's a little free advice on a topic I'm sure we've all had issues with;

How to get out of being asked to do things for our loved ones:

Now, I know what you're thinking. "If they were really my friends they wouldn't ask me to do anything! They'd let me sit and do nothing for as long as I please, and perhaps even bring me butterscotch toffee!"

... And in an ideal world this would indeed be the case. Unfortunately it seems, by the lack of toffee on my desk, that this is not an ideal world and people will actually periodically try and impose their whims upon you. Now a person clumsy in the art of social interaction might say "Well, just say no. How hard is that?"

No?

NO?

No. Don't ever say "no" because that sets a terrible precident for when you need something from them. A graceful master of social interaction has a number of very special ways of dissuading requests for their time and effort. One of the most effective ways of dealing with this situation that I've found is to always agree to do everything your asked. Agree enthusiastically and give excessive assurances that you'll perform the request as soon and as effectively as possible. Then begin the planning phase. Plan for hours, days if that's what it takes to drain away all hope from your friend of the task ever getting done. At the same time don't let them drop the issue quietly. Constantly remind them of the request they made and tell them about all the /mental/ progress you have made towards their goals. Explain to them in detail how you're so enthusiastic about whatever it is they want you to do that you can't bear the thought of anything going wrong.

This will serve three purposes. First, it annoys the crap out of them. Eventually they'll come to deeply regret they ever asked anything of you. Second, because the job will always be visibly in progress they can't officially hold it against you that you didn't do it. Finally, they won't be able to ask you to do anything in the meantime because you're still working on the first thing they told you to do.

As you perfect the art of passive disagreement you may eventually find yourself killing all hope within your would-be benefactee within a matter of moments without them even realizing what you're doing. Some more advanced versions of this technique might include: practiced incompetence, false preparations, unrelenting requests for opinion/help, and, if you're of the right age, constant interuptive trips to the potty.

May this little piece of advice forever serve as your guide and salvation in situations most dire.

A little Free Advice

2006-02-14T21:25:00.000-08:00

As this is my very first post I'm going to give a brief description of how this works. This is an advice column for any seeking out the opinion of dutiful member of the internet community (ie, me) on problems in your life, real or imagined. Just so we're all on the same page, this is not meant seriously as should be immediatly evident upon reading any of the entries following this one.

That said...

Solicit Advice From James at advicefromjames@hotmail.com, ask me anything about anything and I promise you that my response will sound knowledgable and wise regardless of my actual expertise in the area!